*This is a satirical post, and does not in any way intends to trivialise the sufferings of the COVID-19 victims.
The long battle is nearly won. After 16 months since being under lockdown, UK is about to be back to normal from 19th July. As all restrictions are expected to be lifted, a question clouds our mind — whether we need to continue wearing the wretched masks. While many will feel the relief of breathing freely, and for someone like me, foggy glasses, I’m wondering whether mask had no benefit at all? Apart from the health benefits, here are many other reasons why it is extremely tempting to keep wearing masks.
- Bad breath? No problem, keep your mask on and the only person who can smell it is you. Don’t knock yourself out, that’s the advice.
- For people who shave but can’t be bothered, keep mask on and voilà
- Someone pissed you off? You can swear without making the sound.
- Don’t like your wonky/yellow teeth? Leave mask on and no one will know.
- Especially or kids, eat sweets where and when you’re not allowed. Except in your house of course. Unless you wear mask at home. That’s weird!
- Ate too much? Smelly burps? Mask will mask the noise and smell. Except you.
- Cuts, spots, pimples — no need to covers up. Just put a mask on.
- Going out but don’t like your make-up at the last minute? Your know what to do.
- Introvert and self-conscious while speaking? Have a mask on and blame your mumbles to the mask.
- Loose glasses? When you look down feels like they’re gonna fall? Use the string of the mask to tie around the earpiece. Don’t thank me!
- Runny nose and don’t have any tissues? Rather than doing a snot rocket, put mask on and discretely wipe nose with mask. To the point the mask doesn’t look wet. That’ll be gross.
- Itchy nose? Maybe use mask to poke finger in your nose. Good behaviour rule books don’t say anything poking your nose through a mask.
- Going to public toilets? Definitely put one on. Put two in for better results.
- You can appear to be a health freak by wearing masks where nobody else is. People like health freaks these days. Like who eat avocado and kale.
- Too young to buy booze? Try with a mask on. You may still get thrown out anyway. Don’t wear Pokemon mask, that’ll give it away.
- Self conscious about your accent? Stick a mask on; nobody can understand anything anyway but it’s the mask at fault.