How long does it take to know someone? Is it weeks? Months? Years? Or could it just be minutes or a flash of a glimpse, and you feel you’ve known them all your life? On the other hand, you may spend all your life with somebody and still realise that there are many things that you don’t know. But how much can you know about someone on a drive on M6 from Birmingham to Manchester? When you know nothing about her? And when you haven’t spoken a word? When she wasn’t even in your car? It ought to be nothing, right? But why do I feel like I have found my doppelgänger?
Anna re-read the paragraph written on her blog. This must be the fourth time she read it, and she still feels restless today. It’s somewhat unusual for her; she doesn’t struggle with her emotions anymore like she used to do. But what happened today prompted Anna to do something about it, although she doesn’t know what to do. That’s why she opened her blog that she stopped writing when Alice was born seven years ago. She looked at the time again. It’s only 9:30 pm. But she only managed to write those few lines since 7, and couldn’t think what else to write. She just re-ran this morning’s events in her mind for the 50th time. They are still vivid in her memory…
It started yesterday when her friend Paul, the only big client Anna has got left, called for a meeting in Manchester. Before, she would have taken the train, or send one of the employees. Now there’s only three of them left to finish all the orders, and she had no choice but to drive. Anna likes going for long drives, but with three failed MOTs and no money to replace the car that clocked 380,000 miles, she can’t afford to put much strain on the car. But that’s not all the reasons to she was wary about driving to Manchester.
Her friends say she drives like a man. It wasn’t meant like a compliment; she drives like a dick. Whether it is bumping the car over speed breakers, waving in and out between lanes on busy motorways, leaving the car smelling like a kennel, speeding, tailgating, road rage — Anna does it all. It’s been a long time since her friends stopped coming in her car, and her family followed suit. Anna personally doesn’t like the comparison to men, she thinks it’s female drivers who actually cause problems. But she likes driving her old motor — what she calls her car — and in her mind, she knows what she’s doing and it’s safe. It’s just she knows that if her car stops working, the business will be pretty much finished as well, and she is very protective about the car. So, when she was called to the meeting in Manchester, she wasn’t overjoyed. But Anna has fond memories of Manchester when she was at the university, and later when she started her business — all big orders were from Manchester through her previous contacts. The friend, who she’s meeting with is also from the uni, and he helped her set the business up nine years ago. So, she thought it would be nice to go back there after nearly a year.
Anna left a bit later than she expected this morning because the childminder was caught up in traffic. Then she realised she hasn’t got enough petrol in the car to go to Manchester and back. Her local garage has the cheapest fuel in Birmingham, so it’s a no-brainer paying 10p more per litre on the services. She bought enough to last the journey and finally set off. She ran through the route in her mind, and couldn’t believe her eyes that she’d make it in 90 minutes. The satnav must be wrong, with all the roadworks going on! She thought she must speed up in the 70mph sections on M6.
Just after M6 merged with the M6 toll, Anna moved to the fourth lane to go past the annoying middle lane hoggers. But just as she pulled out on the fast lane, she noticed that another car just pulled out behind her. And it was closing in behind her car.
“Must be another arsehole tailgater”! Anna thought.
Then she looked at the car and the driver through her rearview mirror. It was a woman, much to her surprise. And a blonde one! Anna thought it must be one of the bullish drivers, who just tailgates to push cars out of their way. She sped up to go past the cars she was overtaking and moved into the third lane, and the car sped past her. And it then moved on to the third lane in front of her. Anna thought the driver must have got some motorway driving etiquette after all, that most people lack. She noticed that the blue Vauxhall in front of her is also a 2004 registration, just like Anna’s. She thought it was a strange coincidence but didn’t pay any more attention. She saw a large gap in the inside lane and swerved onto that lane. She must make use of any small gains she can make to get to the destination quicker.
It was one of Anna’s rules. She followed them strictly while driving. Any gap she saw, she moved in there, no matter which lane it was in. After all, if slower cars stayed in inside lanes, there wouldn’t be any gaps. She also limits the speed to 73mph, apart from short bursts of acceleration when she needs to go past somebody. She always signals, checks her mirrors, lets faster cars pass by. That’s why she can’t agree with her friends that she’s a reckless driver. Anna thinks that’s just good and sensible driving, to get from point a to point b in the least time. She was proud of her rules and hardly deviated from them.
As she was going past junction 12 at Cannock in the first lane, cutting under a long array of lorries and cars, she was quite pleased that her manoeuvre had worked. Sometimes she’d go past a lot of cars but then sit behind a slow one on the first lane while the slower cars on the outside lane would gradually go past her. It paid off this time, and Anna was right. After she went past the long line of trucks, she was suddenly looking at unobstructed four lanes ahead and stayed on the first lane keeping at 73mph. But just as she was going past the slip road that merges with the motorway, she noticed the blue car again; it came behind her, went past her using the second lane, and pulled in front of her on the first lane as it gradually sped off.
This time Anna was impressed. She generally comes across two types of motorists. One, who drives at 65mph in the second lane even on an empty motorway, or two, the types who stay on the outer lane, and at times go past other cars using the inside lanes or tailgating them. And there is a third type, middle-aged women in 4x4s, but they mostly stay out of motorways. She rarely saw drivers who were comfortable manoeuvring the car in all lanes and maintain the speed. Anna thought she was special, and now she just witnessed someone else doing that.
“Looks like she’s using my rules, this is mental”! She thought.
Given her prejudice against female drivers in general, she was even more pleased to see someone who drove just like her. When she first noticed the blue car behind her, she knew straight away who it was, and as the car went past her, she tried to get a closer look at the driver. She couldn’t notice much, other than she was wearing a black and white striped top and trousers. While the car was speeding away, she thought it must be driving at 75-76mph. Then the car went out of Anna’s sight into the maze of cars ahead of her. She thought that the other driver was impressive, but the speed the other car was going at, she wouldn’t see it again.
But then she saw the roadworks ahead sign, and the 50mph speed limit zone started. Anna moved out into the outside lane to drive at 58mph, another of her rules to drive within legal limits without risking getting flashed. She couldn’t see what lay ahead of her because of a large X6 in front of her, but she slightly pulled out towards the crash barrier to have a look and saw the Corsa about 5-6 cars ahead. Anna suddenly felt a sense of rivalry.
“Let’s see how she drives in roadworks, can she drive like me here?” Anna wondered.
She generally goes past most of the cars ahead on roadworks. Anna knew from experience that people leave gaps ahead of them and she can use those gaps to maintain her speed by moving between lanes when needed. After going past a few cars and trucks, Anna was in the third lane, and she went past two large cars and moved back to the outside lane. The blue car was only three cars ahead of Anna. Just as she was planning her next move, the blue car spotted a long gap in the first lane and quickly gone there from the outside lane. Where Anna was, she couldn’t do the same, but she suddenly thought that the driver drives just like her, except a bit faster on empty lanes. Anna got her share of luck and found that a car was doing 50mph, and there was a large gap ahead. As she pulled out in the fourth lane, she pressed the pedal to 58mph and looked out for the Corsa. It was still ahead of her, changing between first and second lanes. And then, suddenly the speed limit was finished. Anna sped up to 73mph but soon found that the blue car moved lanes as well and was just in front of her. She read the number plate and read it over and over in her mind. The car now was in the second lane as all the lanes had empty spaces ahead, and as it was going past a lorry, Anna thought she knew what the driver would do next.
“She’s going to the first lane now. I can bet on it!”.
And Anna was right. The car did move to the left lane, sped off in the gap ahead up to a truck, then moved to the second lane again. Because Anna was going at a slightly slower speed, it wasn’t possible for her to do the same thing, and she stayed on the third lane, maintaining her speed. She saw the blue Corsa was in the outside lane again, ahead of quite a few cars. She felt a bit frustrated that she couldn’t catch up with the car as she planned. But there was another length of roadworks ahead, and it was Anna’s turn that time.
As she kept the speed to 58mph, all cars ahead of her in the fourth lane moved about the same pace, and after a while, Anna noticed that she was going past the blue car on the third lane, unable to change lanes. She looked at the driver again. She noticed she wore glasses. She wasn’t sure she remembered what the woman looked like, nor she knew why she wanted to know anyway. She thought she wanted to see the woman who drives so much like her that she could almost read her mind. Anna must put a face to the person, more than just the glasses and striped top. She continued to drive slightly ahead of the blue car, not letting it move in the next lane but making a plan to get the car behind her. She kept the same speed until there was a big gap ahead, and then accelerated, leaving room for the blue car to move in. It worked! Anna was thinking what if the car behind her sped as well, but she was pleased to see that the blue car was behind her. Anna slowed down again and looked in the rearview mirror. The mysterious driver looked in the early forties. Anna wasn’t sure if she liked how she looked. She couldn’t see very well because it was overcast, despite the good weather forecast this week in May. As Anna kept looking in the mirror, she didn’t realise the 50mph limit had finished, and there was a gap in the third lane until the blue car went in that lane and sped past Anna, and back on the outside lane. Anna pushed the pedal, but the blue car was away again.
“I can’t let her get away again!”, Anna thought.
She thought that when someone is playing exactly by her rules and is still ahead of her, she must change her rules as well. The only factor that separates them was their speed, and Anna put some more gas on. She was about a 100 metres behind the blue car and the gap wasn’t increasing; the speedometer read 77mph. She could now guess what the blue car would do next, and it followed exactly the same pattern as she predicted. On the inside lane when nothing was ahead, then to the second, then wherever the next gap was. The blue car didn’t drop speed, nor did Anna this time. They were almost driving in sync. She did wonder if the woman realised that Anna was following her.
“What if I did!” She thought, “it’s a free country”.
They went into another short span of roadworks near Stoke. Anna was confident that no matter what happened, they won’t be far off as both of them drove faster than 50mph, and moved between lanes. The blue car went out of Anna’s sight, but this time, she wasn’t bothered. She focussed on the other things on the day ahead. About her meeting. Wondering whether she’d get the order to supply her lingeries to the boutique shop at Intu Trafford Center. That would bring some cash in the business she’s desperate for. She might call back one of the part-timers she had to lay off a few months back. And she realised that she’s hungry. She didn’t have breakfast in a rush, but if the satnav is right, she should have some time to eat something. Eating nice food is a luxury these days, but she’d feel guilty about Alice and perhaps will pack half of it home.
While Anna had these random thoughts, she went past the limited speed zone and looked for the Corsa. She couldn’t see it ahead of her, so she moved to the empty inside lane, waiting for it to appear. She looked more at her mirror than the road ahead. Then, she saw the car emerge between two trucks behind her, and it sped past her again. The car went so fast that Anna didn’t even get a chance to look at the driver again. Anna was getting restless by then, but she didn’t know why. Fair enough, she found someone who drives like her, and she can prompt every move that woman will make and Anna was right every time. But that’s not enough reason to feel so desperate to look at her.
She pressed the pedal down back to 77mph and stayed right behind the blue car. She could see that the driver looked at her a couple of times through her rearview mirror, but Anna wasn’t worried about that. She tried to look at the driver through the mirror but it wasn’t good enough. Besides, the weather was still overcast and it was hard to see through the glass. Anna thought she must be in front of the car if she wants to look at the driver. She stayed on the fourth lane while the blue Corsa moved to the third lane. They were approaching a long stretch of roadworks. Anna went past the car and without thinking, she just stared through her side window while overtaking the other car very slowly. She thought again the woman was in her early forties, she must be quite tall because her elbows seemed under the window level and she was sitting quite farther back from the steering wheel. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and Anna could see the acne on her right cheek. The glasses were of metallic frame, and Anna thought it suited her thin, long face. She didn’t have any jewellery on other than a thin golden chain. Her clothes didn’t look expensive, but why else would she drive a 04 plate car in 2018! The woman looked at Anna staring at her and looked quite bewildered.
“Perhaps she thinks I’m egging her on for a race”. Anna thought. But the woman looked uninterested.
As Anna went completely past the blue Corsa, she had an urge to keep driving next to the car and look at the mystery woman again. They were already in the roadworks zone, and Anna saw the blue car inching past her in the inside lane again. Anna stared at her shamelessly. This time the woman looked at her, and her gaze stayed on Anna more than a second. It felt as if she was trying to figure out why Anna was ogling her. She pulled out a wry smile on her face and a small nod to the woman in the blue Corsa. The woman didn’t know how to react and turned her head and drove on.
Anna could have moved behind her but she wanted to be in front of the blue car. So, she accelerated to tailgate the car in front instead. She usually doesn’t tailgate anymore these days, but she was getting desperate not knowing which junction the other woman was getting off. It paid off for Anna by pressing the car in front. The car pulled in front of the blue car and Anna went past the two and moved into the third lane. She sped forward a bit, leaving a gap behind her and the car she overtook. That was her bait ready, and she was waiting for the Corsa to fall into Anna’s cunning trap. She knew it would. Anna would have done the same. And so she did, the driver of the Corsa. She went past the car in front of her taking the outside lane, and moved into the third lane, right behind Anna.
Anna let her foot off the gas slightly, so she was still doing above the speed limit, but slow enough for the blue car to stay in the lane. Anna was helped by some faster-moving cars in the fourth lane. So her driving-alter-ego had nowhere to go but stay behind Anna. Anna was pleased to see her little plan work. It was time to have a look at the driver again. It was not as close as it would have been if they drove side by side, but that would look weird.
Just as Anna looked in her rearview mirror, the cloud cover just disappeared and a beaming summer sunlight shone on them. If felt as if a spotlight was set on the car behind for Anna. A long time ago when she was at the uni, Anna read a book that said something like if you really want someone, the whole universe conspires for your dreams to fulfil. Anna couldn’t help but remember the line, that everything she wanted was turning in her favour after a long wait. Anna looked on, and the blonde hair that looked quite drab before was shining, in fact glowing, in the sun. The woman raised her right hand to run through her hair. Her hair looked slightly frizzy or it might be a mild curl. Now that the sun is out, Anna could see her face and she suddenly thought despite her ordinary outlook, the woman was pretty attractive. On the same breath, without even realising it, Anna thought it’s been nearly six months she had sex.
She felt a bit embarrassed thinking about sex while she was looking at a stranger, but she didn’t know why. All her past sexual encounters in last five years were with strangers on occasional nights out. After separating with Alice’s dad, she thought she had been messed up enough by men and decided to raise Alice on her own. She just needed men from time to time, but hardly any went past a one night stand. As Alice got older, Anna had less time to go out with her mates, and she didn’t believe in online dating and chatting. She was more interested in diversifying her lingerie business then, although that was just a disaster, leaving Anna to shrink her original business to survive. She had to sell her house in Solihull and move to a flat in Nechells to pay off the loans. And her cars. Like in a sinking ship, Anna threw all her energy, money and time to salvage the business. No wonder she didn’t have much human interaction, especially with men, as she had grown a natural distrust for them.
Brushing aside her thoughts about sex, Anna looked at the driver again, through Anna’s mirror. But she knew that once a thought struck her mind, that’s going to bug her the whole day. She saw the woman in the blue car has a habit of running her hand through her hair often. Anna thought the woman looked at her as well, straight into Anna’s mirror.
“Shit, has she guessed anything?”She wondered.
But she was more interested in looking at the woman through her mirror. It was like a guilty pleasure. Thanks to the bright sunshine, Anna can see most features of the face, but she thought it wasn’t as good as looking at someone right in front of her. She could notice that the woman had thin lips. As a natural reflex, Anna pulled out her sunshade makeup mirror and looked at herself. She was dressed to impress, and tried to get herself ready this morning as much as she could. She almost started to scrutinise how she saw herself. Her dark red lip colour covering the bite marks and cracks, dark circles neatly masked by layers of foundation, the grey eyebrows neatly plucked away. Despite all that effort, she couldn’t hide away the wrinkles appearing on the sides of her eyes, and on her forehead. She looked in the mirror again, and looked aside to the rearview mirror to see the driver in blue Corsa and thought that despite nearly ten years between them, they have many similar features.
“Gosh, how I’m gonna look like when I’m her age”!
The outside lane was full of faster moving cars, and reckless white vans. That ensured that the blue car can’t go anywhere. Anna started to wonder what was next. What if the woman is going to exit M6 before she did? What if Anna has to leave first? The woman messed with her hair again. Looking at her doing that, Anna suddenly had a vision of the woman posing with her back towards Anna, with nothing on but a pair of light grey thongs Anna designed for the meeting. The room had Venetian windows and thin strips of sunlight filtered through on to her back. The woman’s back was covered in black and red spots, skin tags and had a slightly darker tone than her face. Anna tried to shake the picture out of her mind. She looked at the makeup mirror again but couldn’t look into her own eyes. She snapped the mirror shut and pushed the sunshade up.
The roadworks section seemed to be endless and it felt as if it was their destiny to stay one behind another for eternity. Anna was slightly annoyed at herself for not focusing on the meeting and her business, for which she sacrificed last nine years. She chose what she wanted the most in her life, and partners didn’t have a place in that vision. And now she was letting herself fancy a random middle-aged woman whom she knew nothing about. She wanted to move to another lane so she didn’t have to look at her. She moved behind a truck on the second lane and then to the first. It was a slightly dangerous manoeuvre because she just pulled in from of another truck and got flashed and beeped at. She didn’t care. After a minute of driving on, Anna thought it was really foolish of her. After all, that little fling wouldn’t have gone anywhere, it’d end when one of them goes off the M6. But there was no going back because she was stuck to 48mph and the cars were moving faster on the next lane. Anna felt the urge to be back on the lane she were, or drive next to the woman. But to her surprise, the blue car emerged behind her. Anna was confused but pleased to see it again. But she couldn’t fathom out the reason why that car would move to a slow moving lane without a purpose. She thought it’s either because the other woman now wanted to stalk her, or because she’s getting off the next exit.
“As much as I wanted the first to be true, it ain’t that”
Anna deduced the reason in her mind. And that suddenly filled her with a bit of anxiety and sadness. What would she do? Would she come off the junction as well? She knew nothing about Knutsford. What if she gets held up in traffic? She couldn’t afford to miss the meeting. But she felt that she was almost ready to get off the motorway as well. The blue car started indicating as Anna went past the 300 yard marker for the exit. In her mind Anna knew that she was going to Manchester, but as if she was waiting for her hands to defy that chain of command and indicate exit. She slowed further down for the coming 200 yards just so that she could see the woman one last time before the blue car reached the exit and sped off the exit. By the time they were parallel again, the blue car was on exit slip road and quite high up. Anna looked at the driver window and saw that the woman was looking back as well.
Then they went out of each other’s sight. At first, Anna felt nothing. She looked at the time and found that she was doing okay to get there by 9:30. As she was going past the entry slip road, she looked on her left, almost expecting the blue car to have played a prank of going off and joining back on. There were no cars coming on to M6. Anna suddenly felt a feeling of loss, almost like a lost opportunity. It’s true that the other woman and Anna are complete strangers, and they may have nothing in common between them except the way they drove. But then, Anna thought, that the way one drives, shows their outlook towards life. How predictable the other driver was, there could have been more similarities between them. It could have been a fresh start of her love life. Then she thought, all these thoughts are coming from her infatuation and lack of sex. She must go out on the coming weekend. And the scene with the woman in Anna’s lingerie flashed in her mind again.
For the rest of the route, Anna spent in a trance. She couldn’t decide whether she was really interested in that woman or it was just a fancy. Then she was engrossed in finding out what was going on the route as she was driving on agricultural land according to the satnav but she was actually on a newly built dual carriageway. She relived her memories of the past of driving to Manchester from Solihull on Mondays. But the woman with strips of sunlight on her bare back kept messing up with her mind.
After reaching Manchester, Anna nearly forgot about the morning. She couldn’t believe how the place has changed. She had a flashback of her old self when she was at the uni — big dreams, pubs every evening, bistros by the canal, theatres, gigs. Life has changed beyond belief in last ten years. She wondered if she’d have that vibrant life back, but this time with Alice in it. She knew the answer already and that brought her back to present. She went into the meeting slightly distracted. It’s a small business, but she started it from scratch and knows everything she can offer, prices that she can accept, delivery times she can commit to. She always had all details and didn’t have to go back to do the numbers. The meeting brought some fresh breath of air in her life. The client liked the designs and decided to add them to their product line for the shop in Trafford Centre. It’ll be a trial for three months and based on numbers, but even three months would be nice and after setting all the money aside, she might book a holiday with Alice. During all these thoughts, however, Anna kept seeing the woman in the blue Corsa, messing with her hair, or looking at Anna curiously. And after the negotiations, when her client had to go away and discuss the prices, Anna dozed off for a moment, and is that split second, she saw the woman in a black fishnet leotard. She woke up with a start, and couldn’t remember for a minute where she was.
After the meeting, she went for a drink with Paul. Normally she stays for a few drinks but she was in a hurry. She headed back home at 4 pm.
“What if the woman returns by M6 today?”, that was the only question circling inside Anna’s mind.
She was full of hope again. She didn’t know what she’d do if she saw the woman again. Perhaps nothing, but just drive parallel or in front of each other. Does she even live in Birmingham? What if she was returning to Knutsford rather than driving there? Anna felt slightly guilty that she’s not thinking about her business when she just doubled her present order volume. She was thinking about the stranger, and she didn’t know the nature of her feelings. Is it love, or just friendship? Or is it an obsession? Is it her love for her own self and the feelings Anna is having is because she seemed so familiar? What if they met again, in a situation where they can talk, what would Anna say to her?
She reached Knutsford around 5 pm. Unlike the murky morning, the afternoon was sunny and warm, enough to make one sleepy. As Anna was approaching the exit slip road, she had another vision of the woman wearing the grey lingerie Anna presented during her meeting. But that time, she was sitting slightly turned towards Anna and Anna could see the outline of her left breast, small and sagged, with strips of sunlight on it and all across her back. Anna felt quite turned on, but she didn’t know whether it was due to her attraction towards the woman or just her craving for sex. She looked on the entry slip road, and couldn’t see any sign of the blue Corsa. She felt disappointed but decided to drive faster for the rest of the route, in case the woman was indeed returning and Anna can catch up with her.
She drove like she used to drive a few years earlier. She was reckless, moving in and out of lanes but dangerously, and she sped beyond the speeds she knew wouldn’t get her a ticket. Anna tried not to think much about the woman from the morning, but she felt that her anxiety is getting worse again. She felt almost breathless, waiting for a sign of the car to appear somewhere on the horizon. Closer she went to Birmingham, she felt more and more desperate, not being able to decide whether to speed up or slow down. By the time she reached spaghetti junction, it was 6 pm. Anna felt gutted but the good news about the business stopped her hitting the rock bottom. She was back in her street in Nechells in five minutes. The trip to Manchester was over, although Anna wasn’t overjoyed.
When the childminder Jane saw her at the front door, she looked horrified looking at Anna.
“Oh dear, Anna, you’re bleeding again!”
“OH Fuck!… Is it bad?”
“All over your clothes, bab.”
“OH Fuck!… Is it bad?”
“All over your clothes, bab.”
Anna touched her nose and saw her fingers are covered in blood. She copes with her anxiety well, but at times when it gets out of hand, she gets the nosebleed. Anna is used to it, her GP said it’s not unusual. It was a lot worse when she was splitting up with Alice’s dad five years back. She looked down and her clothes were stained with blood. She was embarrassed at herself and angry as well, knowing what caused it. Jane let Anna use her toilet to get cleaned, and gave her pads of cotton to stop the bleeding. Alice understands now that Anna gets the nosebleed at times, so she didn’t need to explain or calm her down.
Alice was tired and she went to bed at 7pm as usual. Anna had a chat with her before she went to her room about the day, and told about hers. She didn’t mention anything about the car. Since then, Anna just sat in front of her computer. She managed to write just one paragraph, and the more she tried to rein her thoughts, the wilder they became. She decided to take a break and get her clothes cleaned. She was annoyed about the bleed. Not only did she fail to realise it was happening, she will now have to make sure that she removed the stains. She hasn’t got many businesswear left, the rest are all larger sizes. Anna’s friends are jealous about her size but she knows that she felt better before, and she didn’t really want to lose all the weight. She took her clothes off and applied some stain remover on them. She looked herself in the mirror. It felt as if she was looking at the other woman in the car. As she took her makeup off, she thought she looked older than she is. She made promises to herself that she’d take more care of herself but after a few weeks, it was back to square one. She did wonder why younger mums at Alice’s school don’t speak to her. A few years later perhaps even Alice wouldn’t let Anna drop her to school.
As she stood there in front of the mirror, naked, she suddenly thought if that woman was just an imagination, she was actually looking at herself a few years ahead. Well, the hair was different but she can colour her ginger hair to blonde and let it grow longer. It seemed that they were about the same height. She turned to her side and remembered the vision she had on the way back to the woman. Anna’s breasts look the same size as the other woman. She looked at herself again in the mirror. Is she attractive? Can she still pull? She didn’t have any problem last time; it’s just the last time was a long time ago. Has she got a few more lines on her face? Does she look frail now? She could see her rib cage, which isn’t a good sign. She could never see her rib cage before. And her hip bones. Anna wondered if she kept changing so rapidly, in a few years’ time, will she still find people on nights out? Or should she hurry up?
Anna made her mind up. She had a quick shower. It made her feel refreshed again, and Anna felt she doesn’t feel so agitated now. Draped in towel, she sat down with her laptop. She must start acting on her plan. The outcome of what she’s planning is uncertain but she never worried about uncertainty. If she could handle it in her business, so can she in her life. Anna saved her blog for another day and opened a search page. She typed the registration number of the car. KC04 AKE. The spinning wheel of death is taking a long time to load the page. She needs to find out if she can get any more detail on the Corsa. The results are finally loaded. Anna clicked on one of the links from DVLA and it opened. The car is indeed a blue petrol Corsa. She was relieved that she wasn’t imagining about this morning. The woman was real. Probably Anna’s dreams will be as well. One day she’ll meet her alter-ego face to face, not through car windows. She looked at the other links. One of them must have details of the owner. If search results don’t reveal anything, there is photo search, forums to ask in, report DVLA about an accident. There will be ways. It can take as long as it takes. Anna can wait a few years, at least. She will just have to be patient and wait for the universe to conspire to bring them together. The future isn’t looking so bleak after all.
Un jour je suis allé au café, et comme d’habitude j’étais assis à côté de la vitrine. Dehors, le carrefour semblait une mer de visages. Une tasse de thé m’accompagnait pendant mon soir mélancolique. Soudain, un visage à l’autre côté de la rue m’a étonné. Comme des souvenirs qui nous tourmentent tout le temps. N’est-elle pas la jeune femme à qui j’ai consacré mon cœur sans la connaître? Mais si! C’est elle! Et tout à coup mon ennui, ma journée en grise est remplie de toute les couleurs…et espoirs.
Je l’ai vue la première fois dans un métro. Nous allions au bureau par le même train. Elle portait une robe blanche toute simple, ses cheveux noires, coupés au carré court. Mais son visage…mon dieu! Comme elle était mignonne! Et les yeux…paraît-il que ses yeux n’ont pas vieillis depuis sa naissance! Ils étaient glissantes, gros et noirs comme ceux d’un bébé. On pourrait vraiment plonger sur la profondeur de ses yeux innocents.
Je ne sais pas ce quoi l’a intéressée vers moi, mais on a échangé des jets d’œil plusieurs fois. Et après quelques jours, nous allions au travail par le même métro de 9h05! En effet, j’arrivais au boulot en retard chaque jour mais qu’est-ce que je pourrais faire? C’était une lutte, celui mon cœur a déjà gagné contre la raison. Mais nous étions timides, nous étions stupides. Nous n’avons jamais parlés! Quelle drôle de vie…
Ou bien, peut-être on a pensé que ce ne serait pas nécessaire! Nous nous connaissions sans parler aucune mot. Il n’y avait pas aucune doute que nous sommes tombés amoureux. Nous savions ça et ce n’était pas nécessaire de déclarer l’amour. On parlait avec les yeux, la bouche, une petite sourire, un regard avant sortir. Mais la chance ne comprend pas les choses spéciales comme ça. Elle a décidé d’intervenir notre bel amour! Après Noël, comme je bordais le métro de 9h05, espérant qu’elle y serait à toute à l’heure, elle n’est pas venue. «Peut-être elle est en retard, ou bien ses vacances n’est pas finis», je pensais. Mais je l’attendais il y avait des jours, et des semaines. Comme elle était soudain venue dans ma vie, elle a disparu. Pour des mois je n’ai pas pu dormir tranquillement. Son visage, sa sourire et surtout ses yeux ont me réveillé toutes les nuits. Elle me manquait à la folie, chaque jour un peu plus.
Presque trois ans plus tard, ce jour-là quand je l’ai vue encore, je me sentais comme si c’était une aubaine, pour régler ma vie. Mon avenir m’appelait et elle était sans doute l’avenir. Pour trois ans ma vie était coincée dans la passé. C’était le moment ou jamais. Se réunir avec mon rêve. Mon cauchemar. Mon obsession. Ma petite amour. Et là, elle y attendait le feu à passer au vert. Parmi une mer de visages. Est-ce que j’ai assez de temps avant qu’elle est disparu encore? Peut-être pour toujours.
J’ai payé l’addition tout de suite et suis sorti du café en courant. J’ai croisés la rue aux pieds légères. Mon cœur se bat comme une batterie. Et enfin, après quatre ans de silence dont trois derniers sans dormir, je l’ai appelée. «Hey!». Surprise, elle a tourné. Elle s’est étonnée comme si elle a vu un fantôme! Et pour moi, je pensais que ça vaut vivre la vie pour le moment. Je l’ai presque perdue. Après quelques secondes de se souvenir les moments et les sentiments de passé, son visage a soudain illuminé. Ce n’était pas la lueur de la rue, ni les voitures. Elle était ravie de me revoir. Une grande sourire apparaît sur son visage, une sourire de bonheur.
Dès le moment je l’ai appelée, on n’a pas encore parlé. Mais cette fois nos yeux parlent plus clairement. C’était sûr qu’on ne laisserait l’autre jamais disparaître. Ses yeux aux larmes, roulantes sur sa joue. Je tiens ses mains par les miennes. Et cette fois-ci je l’ai dite comment elle m’a manqué. J’avais peur qu’elle soit dérangée, ou le pire, elle étais déjà avec quelqu’un. Mais pas du tout! Elle m’a embrassé et m’a dit en souffle, «On ne vas jamais se perdre…allons-y. Dis-donc, tu t’appelles comment?». Et on a retourné au café que j’ai sorti il y a quelques minutes et on y passe le soir…
Il n’y a rien à dire de plus, sauf que deux étrangers dans une ville se sont rencontrés après trois ans, et ils passeront beaucoup de temps se rappeler leurs vies. Touts les soirs, le café seront le rendez-vous pour les deux nouveaux amants. Chaque jour un étape ensemble sur le chemin de l’avenir heureux.
I see her every day across my desk. I mean, on the days I manage to sit at the desk reserved for Prakash. I like this seat, and it has got two widescreen monitors on the desk. It’s ideal for doing some work, but a bit NSFW while I spend my lunch hour browsing the internet. Everybody behind me could see that I’m on Facebook, or checking share prices or looking to see if I’ve got any new message on the dating site. I leave large colourful PowerPoint slides open in the background, so the colours on the browser are not clearly visible.
Ellie Careless does not have the stunning looks of a model. She is rather plain in her appearance. She’s short, heavily built, and has a plump round face. She doesn’t dress up much – mostly trousers and top, even during nights out with the team. She’s probably in her late twenties, about a couple of years younger than me. I gathered that she’s from the cold north, as her “kloob” sounded like Geoff Boycott’s. She is an average pommy girl in all sense and purposes. Despite all that, I remembered her the first day I moved here, because our paths had crossed a few times in the past, and it’s impossible to forget her fiery personality. We didn’t get on very well — the first time I came here to sort out some budget for my new contract, and we ended up disagreeing to every point during the meeting. Sometimes I felt like asking whose side she was defending, but she was just playing Devil’s advocate and she played it really well. Probably even the Devil himself would have been more lenient.
I don’t know if she took our disagreement personally, but since that first encounter she was rather cold towards me on most of the times I saw her. She tried hard not to make any eye contact, and when she failed, I was greeted with a “hi” as curt as it could be, and a smile that she could manage without stretching her lips. The only times we had a normal conversation is when we had someone else talking to us. And the chat died off the moment they had left. I’ve come to a conclusion that most possibly she doesn’t like me. Then again, neither do most of the people in this office. They are too reserved and engrossed in their little circle of friends. Aaron told me that some think I’m an arrogant know-it-all. That’s total bonkers. I just don’t have patience with wussy no-hopers.
I can’t say I like this new place. Brighton is a fabulous town to hang out, but it’s almost at the edge of the universe. I can’t really say that Croydon was the centre of the world as such, but at least it was closer to London. Brighton is a vibrant place, but you still feel the undertone of a small seaside town. To be honest I always feel out of place in this country, compared to Melbourne. I feel at ease inside the skyscrapers, in the fast-paced city life, looking at the world from the top of 20-30 storey apartments. When I was in Singapore or KL, I never missed Melbourne. Tokyo was even wilder and London wasn’t much different. Until Vicky changed her plans.
Vicky is my partner. Or should I say was? I don’t know. The problem is, nor does she. We’ve been together since late teens when we first met at the Uni. She was a wild girl then, and still is now, unlike me. I’m trying to slow down and be sensible. I wanted to earn and save enough by 40, then settle down either back in Oz, and buy a farm, or move to San Francisco. Vicky and I both loved it there when we went backpacking on Pacific coast trail. That’s before Vicky said she’s bisexual.
When she told me, I didn’t feel any different. In fact, it made me quite excited imagining Vicky with another woman. Two is, after all, better than one! Since the day we had that chat, we’ve engaged with other bisexual couples. At first, it was in seedy clubs, but as we came to know more people, it became easier. We could choose couples where our likes and dislikes are similar. Although Vicky always enjoyed it more than I did. And she wanted this permanently, rather than wild weekends.
That’s when she met Sharon. Sharon works in our HR and is based in this office in Brighton. Vicky was very fond of her, and last year, she had to spend quite some time with Sharon to sort her Visa out. Then one day Vicky introduced her to me and said they are going on a girls only date. Since that night, Sharon had come many times to our Croydon flat. After a few months, Vicky said that she wants to move to Brighton office to see Sharon more. It was a tough decision to make but we supported each other in everything so far and thus we moved to Brighton. I didn’t dislike Sharon to say no. Our flat is just above Sharon’s, the rent is cheap, and our office is ten minutes walk – so it worked out quite well. We could get rid of our car, as everything is close by, and Sharon lends us her Land Rover any time we ask for it. So it was great moving down here, but it felt as if Vicky and I are more distant than we ever were. We still loved each other, and had our times together but they became less frequent than the days Sharon would be around with us. I told Vicky last September that I hardly see her, to which she said that I was being jealous. And that she’s thinking of settling down here. We were in an awkward stage since then. I made it no secret of not wanting to settle down in this bloody freezing place, and as Vicky and Sharon started living in each other’s pockets, I felt that I was the third wheel among us. But I didn’t have the heart to tell it to Vicky. I thought once the Christmas is over, I’ll think about moving out.
I came back to the present, and looked at Ellie again. She’s wearing a black top, and her chestnut brown hair is tied up in a bun. She’ll probably be coming to our work Christmas-do tonight in the same outfit. A party would be an overstatement though; it’s a meal arranged by the big boss. But it was long planned so I couldn’t let it go. Vicky is not coming as she works in the logistics department and they are having theirs next week. She couldn’t have come anyway because this year’s budget is tight and partners aren’t invited to keep the numbers down. I wondered if Ellie is wearing trousers again, but the desk blocked my view. She’s talking to the old hag Christine sitting opposite her. They get along really well, but I wonder how. Perhaps because Christine has a sadistic sense of humour, and I can imagine Ellie’s would be the same. She looked quite pretty from this angle as she’s laughing to something Christine is saying.
At lunchtime I saw her again, in the kitchen. It was one of her one-word conversations; this time she said — “Alright?”. I just repeat what she says these days, so that was the sum total of our chat. It died off with my “Alright?”. I didn’t make any effort this time, as she never stops to actually talk. At least I got to find out what she’s wearing tonight. Her top has silvery threads through, and she’s wearing it with black trousers and black pumps. Surely she could dress up a bit more? But then, I thought, it’s all about having a good time in the end. I wanted to wear my party clothes before coming here, but it’s only Thursday so I couldn’t dress-down. I put all the clothes inside the disabled toilet. I found that it’s ideal to store small items because the toilet is massive.
The afternoon went by in a frenzy. One of the suppliers called about wrong sized materials and I spent almost the entire afternoon talking to my team trying to sort out a solution. We are late on this project and can’t drop the momentum because it’s Christmas three weeks away. Everybody is interested in squeezing every last penny we can earn extra this year. It was after 5 when Aaron tapped on my desk and asked if I’m coming with them for a drink or two before we went to the meal. I had enough for the day and asked for five minutes to get ready. I changed into my jeans and a Ralph Lauren shirt and a semi-formal jacket. I looked in the mirror, and I noticed that my stubble has grown long. I planned to try the hipster look, but got annoyed with the itchy beard, so I just trim it often to keep the stubble neat. I tied my bun neatly and left my formal clothes hung up in the toilet so I can take them back tomorrow.
We went to a pub on the seafront. There were five of us, with others planning to join in later on. Aaron offered the first round and he seemed a bit shocked as I asked for rum straight away. I don’t mind having a beer, but this is not summer, so I didn’t see the point. Days like this make me miss Christmas in Melbourne more. Needless to say, they started jabbering about bloody football. I was thinking Ashes will be on soon, we must wipe out the smirk from the Barmy Army. Bored, I picked up my phone and did a casual check in on Facebook. I bet I’ll get the usual 12 likes from friends who like everything. I’m sure if I said the fish died or the Titanic sank, I’ll still get those 12 likes. I looked at the time. Bloody hell! It’s already 5:45! It seemed I only sat down here five minutes.
My phone vibrated. Three likes already including Vicky’s and a strange message. “How long u guys be there?”. Who the hell is Ellishera CO? As I kept wondering, I saw Aaron commented back, “Til we go to the meal. We’ll grab a cab. Coming?”. So Aaron must know this person, not even sure if it’s a man or a woman. I looked at Aaron and asked, “Who the fuck is Ellishera?”. “Shh… Maddie, it’s Ellie”. Ellie! That’s a weird name, is it even her real name? “Maybe”. Her comments are as curt as her conversations. I soon stopped wondering about her funny name as the next round arrived. We are about 12 now, and this side of the pub looks really rammed. The drinks took my stress away. I’ll now probably be talking to people I usually don’t like. I looked around the group here. I can say I’m pretty friendly with Aaron. Apart from him, I get along well with three or four, but the rest are sulky moaners. On another day I’d put them in their place if they called me Maddie. It’s all Vicky’s fault. She shouldn’t have announced my nickname to every place we went. Especially here, where Maddie is often a girl!
Around 6.30 I went over to the counter to get the last rounds. I should have bought first, now there’s fifteen of them and nobody else offered to share the bill. The queue was horrendous, even though it’s only Thursday. As I finished ordering, I heard a familiar voice say, “Aand two G& T please”. It was Ellie. I looked at her as she added, “I’ll pay you, just saves time queuing”. “No, it’s my round”. “Fair enough. I’ll pay for one later then”. I handed her the two G&Ts and that’s the first time I looked at her this evening. She has transformed! She’s wearing an electric blue dress and a faux-leather jacket, her hair is now straightened and down, making her face look thinner. She did some makeup but it’s barely visible. “Do you need a hand, Damien?” She must have noticed that I was looking at her, as it seemed she forced herself to say something. “Ta, I’ll manage…Ellishera”! I chuckled a bit but controlled myself. After all, she’s my colleague and not a friend. As we were dodging our way back to the corner where our lot were, she stopped midway, and signed me to lean towards her. Then she brought her face close to mine, close enough that I could smell the perfume coming out of her cleavage, and she whispered quite clearly,” If you ever make a joke about my name again, I’ll tear your balls out and feed the dogs on the beach. Okay”? Ouch! Looks like she’s a bit touchy-feely about her name! Why did she go so fucking berserk about it? “Understood. Sorry”!
I carried the drinks to the table and was cheered by the rowdy mob there. This is the fifth round, I don’t know if this is appropriate to turn up drunk at a work party. I only had three shots of rum, just to get in the mood, then switched back to Coke and soda. There wasn’t much space now. Ellie and another girl Clara took up the last seats. “Guys…squeeze in a bit please?”. Her voice was heard over the raucous crowd, she likes to give orders! People sitting on the long bench squeezed in, leaving a tiny patch to perch my ass. I was almost sitting on her lap, our sides almost glued together to avoid me falling down. I felt a bit dejected that I made that gaffe about her name, perhaps we could have finally talked otherwise. It was different if I disliked her, but she seems quite funny; it’s just that perhaps we got on the wrong foot.
“So, do you live close by”? I tried to break the ice again as the guys across the table seem to crane their neck away from me to watch sissy boys kicking about. “I live in Hove, you”? “Not far. Only walking distance”. “Lucky you! Is it one of your Aussie mates sorting all this for you”? “No, I haven’t met many here. We used to go out in Croydon once a month or so, not here”. “Okay”. She’s gone back to one word again. I looked at the phone. 6:50. Shit, when is the meal? I thought it was 7:30. I don’t know where that place is, we must be getting ready soon. “Do you know how far we gotta go”? She looked at the phone, and said “Yeah, we should be getting ready. It’s not far but we’ll need taxi looking at the state of some”. “C’MON LADS, we’ll be late, leave by 7”. I think she’s so bossy at work that it worked outside as well. People rushed to finish their drink, coming back to senses.
I walked outside first. The air has turned nippy, but I know that it’s not going to snow here. It never does. The strand is decorated with Christmas lights, and all the pubs along this side are full now. The air is filled with the sound of the waves and a subtle hum of people chatting in the pubs, only to be disturbed by some raucous laughter or loud chants. I must say Christmas is something special here. I stood there, almost lost in thoughts about Vicky’s decision to settle down here. What would happen if I decide that as well? Would she still be with me? “Coming Damien? Or you’re not planning to?”. I looked around. Aaron, Ellie, and two others are waiting for me, I didn’t realise the rest of the lot has already picked up cabs and left! In the dim white light of the street lamps, I could see a smirk on Ellie’s face. I recognised that from before. Does she think I’m a bit weird? Or is it that she’s a bit amused that I stood there on my own, oblivious to everyone else? I hurried back to the taxi. Ellie got in first, and sat with her back to the driver. Then the other two and Aaron sat on the other side, leaving me no choice but to sit next to her. I thought Clara would sit next to her but she’s sitting opposite Ellie so they could talk. We just had mild banter about the ones already pissed, and whether our director will come to the party. The cab drove along the narrow streets of Brighton, often making last minute turns to avoid traffic. With every turn, either I’m falling on Ellie, or she lurched on to me; the strap to hold on to aren’t that effective. Especially when you’ve had a few drinks.
After a few times our shoulders brushed, which I didn’t really dislike, we reached the place. It’s a stately building, perhaps what they call a listed building, converted into a hotel. I wondered why on earth we are here, the meal isn’t cheap. In Croydon, we had about £20 budget. We paid £60 here, plus £30 to the drinks pot for the ones going out later on. I’ve been to a castle before to attend a wedding but not a hotel like this. It exudes opulence, from the marble floors to the crystal chandeliers to the carved oak doors. We went to the bar-cum-lounge area, it’s really crowded now with a lot of other people turning up. I ordered a cream soda, and looked around to see if there are any familiar faces to mingle with. I glided through the clusters of people, trying to find one to join in. All these fucking retards just talking about their job! Seriously?
I looked for Aaron, but couldn’t find him anywhere. He must have gone out smoking. I looked at my phone, there’s a message from Vicky, “How’s the party Maddie? Having fun babes? Who the fuck is Ellishera!!! X o x”. I replied to her straight away, “It’s Ellie Careless. Do you know her?”. “Of course I do! Posh twat”. “In what way? She sounds too common to me”, I asked. Seems like we are chatting through text now. “Does horse riding, I mean proper owned horses! Does diving with that fat ass, and filthy rich”. “How do you know all that”? “Oh I know everything about most of the girls there. And you know how ;)”. Sharon! So she tells Vicky all the gossip and their background. Of course! She can access all the details. “Tell me Sharon doesn’t tell you all these personal stuff from their HR file!”. “Don’t worry babes. I don’t tell this to everyone! But anyway, if you’re thinking of hitting on her, think twice Maddie. She’s way out of your league”. “You bitch! I wasn’t planning on, but now I might! You never fancied her then ;)?”. “No I don’t fancy pigs haha! Seriously, if you can fuck her tonight, I’ll give you 20 dollars”. She’ll never mature! I don’t know if that’s the problem between us, that I’m not that fun anymore? I looked at the glass of cream soda, it’s still full, it must have been 20 minutes and I’m still stood here in a corner. “Gotta go Vic, I feel like an alien here. Dinner will be served soon”. “Coz they’re normal ppl! Just chill and don’t worry if you don’t talk to them you can come back early”. “You offering a root?”. “Maybe;) !”. “Alright then, I’ll come back early if I can”. “Maddie don’t! I’m just having you on! You can smash my back tomorrow. Enjoy the party, I gotta start at the normal time unlike you lucky bastards!”. “Told you, you’re a sick bitch! I’m going now. You can go flog yourself”. “Oh I can just go downstairs for that! Have fun at the party! Love you x o x o”. And she’s gone. The messenger showed she’s offline.
The crowd has thinned a little now. Have they started to usher people to the room? Aaron just walked past me with an “Alright mate?”. At the far corner, Ellie and Clara are now joined by the rest of the girl gang. Looks like she’s got a Guinness. I don’t know how people drink that muck! She looked at me, but we were quite far to acknowledge. She was smiling, and then I realised that few others looked at me as well. The girls were laughing, and it might be something to do with me because Ellie was saying something with a lot of finger-pointing. As the large wall clock chimed 8 o’clock, a couple of neatly dressed staff came to the room, to inform that the meals are ready to be served. Despite the plush ambience, it’s been pretty shit for me so far, so I hoped the meal better be nice!
There was a rush to go and sit down at the table. The rowdy lot were the first to go in, then the older ones, some girls went in after them and some headed for the toilet. I stayed back until the queue dwindled. It’s not that I dislike crowd, but I wanted to finish my soda first. There was a teenage boy waiting at the door with a list, “What’s your surname, Sir?”. “Kruger”. “Thank you, Sir…Table six on the left, Sir”. “Thanks, bud”. I wasn’t very flattered by all the Sirs and pompous etiquettes. A waitress stood by each table, to attend that table only it seems. The girl showed me the seat I’m expected to sit in. I looked around the room, it’s a huge dining room, with large chandeliers hanging from the ceiling high enough to fit two storeys. On one side of the wall, there are large windows but they have curtains drawn in. The wall opposite is adorned with paintings, plaques, artefacts encased in glass containers. At the far end of the wall, there is a large fireplace, with log fires. I looked around our table. It sits eight but there are only seven of us now. I was pleased that Russell is sitting next to me. He’s okay, at least not pretentious like most of the lot here. They were serving wine bottles to the other tables, but not ours. Maybe because they are waiting for the person on my right to sit down? Most around this table are the older lot. I wonder why they sat me here. I started chatting with Russell about the wines when I smelled the perfume around me that seemed very familiar. Ellie! She’s the mystery person in the empty seat.
“Hi”. “Hiya”. Gosh! Not again this one word game for the entire meal! I was saved by John, the guy opposite me who started telling some jokes. We finally got our wine. It’s full-bodied red. She had the same as well. As the wine began to flow, the conversation became easier. Now I don’t really regret sitting at this table, some of the guys I’ve never spoken to, they are really cool and they have some interesting stories to tell! I started getting hungry and wondered when the food is going to be served. Miss tight ass next to me is the only one who’s just gulping down wine and smiling at odd intervals. Our eyes met a few times but we looked away immediately. I looked at Russell, he’s busy talking to the guy on his left about mortgages, something I don’t understand.
This is great! £60 spent on posh shit and that’s it. Even that seems to be taking forever to arrive. I thought that this can’t get any worse, and perhaps I should ask Ellie what the matter was. “Alright Ellie?”. “Alright”. “Nice wine, huh?”. “Nah, cheap crap from Calais. You can get a crate for 10-15 quid for this”. “Really!”. “Yeah”. “I hate this fixed seating arrangements”. “I know! I can tell, you couldn’t wait to get as far away from me as possible!”. Ouch! That wasn’t necessary. “That’s not true! I thought you weren’t talking to me”. “Oh, you’re not sulking for that still! That was meant to be a joke!”. “Didn’t seem a joke to me!”. “Oh for F…Damien, I need to have a word with you, outside”. “Yeah, I think so too!”.
We walked out of the room, down the hallway and into the lounge, where we were greeted on arrival. I let her walk ahead of me, and she preferred that way. We went into the courtyard, where there is a giant Christmas tree covered with chains of LED lights. She stopped and faced me, and said, “WHATS YOU FUCKING PROBLEM DAMIEN?”. “My problem? Nothing! Except that you couldn’t do any more to avoid me at work. Look, I get it that you don’t like me, but as colleagues, we could be a bit more civil don’t you think?”. “Oh is it then? The last time I checked my contract, it didn’t say anything about smiling and being nice to tight arsed idiots”. “Oh thanks! At least you’re clear about what think of me!”. “What! You’re gonna moan about that as well? Just get a life for fuck’s sake, Damien!”. “Fair enough! I won’t be talking to you If I don’t have to, but you better stop smirking at me”. “I SMIRK AT YOU! You must be joking!”. “You just do! You did it outside the pub when we were coming here!”. “That wasn’t a smirk!…”. She suddenly lost her words and looked away. I can’t believe this! Having a fight with a colleague on Christmas-do! “Damien”, her tone changed, it’s more reconciliatory now than a few moments ago, “Now, don’t be over-dramatic, you’re a decent guy, and you work hard and don’t piss about like the most here. I just feel that you don’t wanna talk to me, as if you’re holding some grudge on me”. “Exactly how I feel about you, Ellie. Especially after that bloody row in Rugby. But to be clear, I don’t hold any grudges against you. I don’t know what it is. How you look at me sometimes, it seems as if I am…anyway leave it!”. “I’m not leaving it, Damien! But listen. We both were thinking about the meeting in Rugby. Can we just forget about it and treat each other as colleagues, not enemies?”. “I’m all for it, apology accepted”. “WHAT! When did I say that?”. “Chill! It’s only a joke. We better go in now, Steve might be here”. “Yeah, you carry on, I’ll have a quick fag. You haven’t got a light, have you?”. “Here”. I handed over my lighter. Then on a second thought, I lit one as well. “Oh well, Steve can wait then!”.
I made a ring in the air and watched it disperse circling the stars above. Then I realised that Ellie was standing in front of me and I was again distracted looking at the sky. “So how long you’ve been with us? It was 2014 I guess?”. “13. You?”. “11. I feel old saying that!”. “Before that?”. “I’ve worked at a construction company in Singapore, before that in Beijing, and KL”. “Interesting! You have travelled around a bit then!”. “A fair bit. We travelled a lot, Far East and all over the world after coming here. Do you travel much?”. “Yes and no. I did a lot of work with charities in Africa during college and uni. Travelled a few countries down that way”. “Wow! Which ones?”. “I’ll tell you later Mad…err, Damien. It’ll be shorter to tell the names I haven’t been in sub-Saharan states”. “Phew! I must hear about your experiences. I wish to go there sometime myself!”. “Sure thing. I can give you a few tips. Shall we go in?”. “Let’s go”. We finished our cigarettes and started walking back to the dining hall. It was relieving that we had the chat. And finding out that there’s something we can talk in common. As we went in, I noticed that our director Steve was giving his speech. And then someone started clapping. Not to Steve’s speech, but I guess to mock us. Aaron even did a wolf whistle. Once we sat down, Steve carried on with his speech thanking everyone.
The food arrived amid a loud cheering. It took bloody 45 minutes to serve the starters. And then they got everything mixed up as people can’t remember what they pre-ordered three months back! I knew exactly what I wanted and got it straight away. Ellie had the salmon terrine as well. I thought of waiting for the rest in our table, but she started eating already, and I excused myself and followed suit. Rest of the guys didn’t have to wait much longer either. Russell briefly spoke about how fed up he is with everything but I wasn’t in the mood for the doom and gloom stories, so when he went back to eating, I whispered to Ellie, “Why are people so miserable here? You’d think being the head office, you’ll see the opposite!”. “Because…”, she leant towards me, “we get a lot of rumours as well, and mostly the bad ones!”. I was listening but my mind drifted as the smell of her floral perfume wafted through. I couldn’t help but look at her cleavage where the smell was coming from, but then I looked around. I noticed a couple of guys ogling her as well. So I’m not the only pervert here! “I think John is perving on you”, I whispered to her. “What’s that got to do with you?”. “Nothing! I thought you could have a laugh”. “Oh I will!”. She sat up, sitting straight again, and looked at John. “What’s that you’re having there John?”. As it turned out, he was sort of ignoring the main course trying to look at Ellie, and he had to do a lot of ums and ahs. I hurried myself to concentrate on my beef wellington to keep a straight face. That was hilarious. I must tell Aaron this. I texted him. He replied back saying he is a known “lech”.
I think that incident has lifted any uneasiness left after our talk outside. We spoke a lot during the meal and nibbling through my cheese board. She told me about her time in Africa, amazing things she’d seen there especially the sulphur flats, about her horse-riding hobby, that her dad is an ex-diplomat, and about her partner Ken, that he’s mostly on tours playing tennis. “Is it awkward staying away most of the time?”, I asked, remembering nights when Vicky was with Sharon. “Well I tend to go wherever he is every couple of weeks”. What! She travels around with his boyfriend every other weekend? How does she get the time? “Wow! You mean in Europe I suppose?”. “No even in the US, or the Middle East. As long as it’s not too much travelling”. “You must be minted, to spend all that money”. “It costs quite a bit but not an arm and a leg! He gets the tour calendar well ahead and I have spent £300 once on a return flight, and that to the US! Most of the times it’s £50-60. And no hotel bills as I stay with him”. I was listening to her, amazed. We tend to travel a lot, and thought we were frugal but she seemed to have made our efforts look bloody amateurish. “I must say your bloke is a lucky man!”. She shrugged her shoulders, and asked about my life.
It got a bit awkward when I told about Vicky. “Vicky at operations is your partner! I didn’t know that”. “Why? What’s wrong with her?”. “Nothing. Don’t take me otherwise Damien, I haven’t spoken to her but what I heard is she wears her heart on her sleeve. You seem to be an opposite!”. “Yes, I know. I’ve heard it many times”. “I’m sorry, I was just passing what others said”. “No that’s totally cool. Hey, maybe you can tell me if she’s got any gossip in your girls’ circle”. “What is girls’ circle?”. “I don’t know. When all you girls go to the toilet at the same time”. “So you want to find out gossips on your girlfriend! That’s a bit underhanded, no?”. “Well true, but aren’t most gossips?”. “Are you gonna tell her?”. “Depends on how bad it is! If we can laugh at it, I will. If it’s spiteful I probably won’t”. “Well she’s got a name, Sticky Vicky”. I burst out laughing, “What!”. People on our table stopped talking and looked at us. I apologised and carried on talking. “Sticky Vicky! What does it even mean?”. “Well it’s a character from a TV show. I can’t say any more. You’ll have to Google it. The show’s called Benidorm”. I went on google to look for it, and I didn’t like what I was reading at all. Ellie must have seen my ears turn red, “I’m sorry Damien, I shouldn’t have said that to you”. “Well…it’s not very nice, is it?”. “No. But I don’t think whoever came up with the name didn’t mean it like that. It was a bit of banter—”. “Yes, a bit of banter, always at the expense of someone”. I think I touched some raw nerve there. She looked stern and said, “Well you shouldn’t have asked what people talk about you behind your back. Nobody is interested to know how good you are! I’m sure people call me things, fat arse and all…but I’m not interested unless they tell it on my face. I can then put them in their place!”. “You’re right. By the way, I wasn’t saying it was you”. “No I know you didn’t. Coz if you did, I’d have punched you in the face”. She smiled at me, but I guess she meant it. “You don’t hold back your words do you?”. “Why should I? Fag break?”. “Ya let’s go”.
I looked at the time. It’s already 10 o’clock! We haven’t gone anywhere yet. People are finishing their coffee and mince pies. But it looks like the meal is almost over – people looking at the time, conversations getting louder, empty plates on the tables and the nice linen now smudged with gravy and wine marks – a sign that it’s time to go back to Brighton. The meal dragged on a bit long. We walked down the corridor outside. It’s quite nippy now, I should have had my jacket on. She offered her lighter this time, our hands touched and I felt how warm her hand was. “Crikey you’re freezing Damien!”. “Ta. I’m always like this, what do you expect in this bloody climate?”. “You don’t like it here do you?”. “I mean, people are nice enough, but you must admit it’s pretty shit weather! Bleurgh!”. “You bloody people, coming here, making a living and still moaning,”. She smiled as she was exhaling the smoke, and the web of smoke created a veil in from of her face, making it look mystical in the dim light filtering through the large windows. “Your friends giving you a cold shoulder today?”. I noticed during the meal some went out for a break but didn’t ask her. “Yeah, I guess jealous cuz I’m talking to you”. “What’s there to be jealous about?”. “Because at least three amongst the girls here tonight fancy you”. “What! I have hardly spoken to them!”. “That’s why”. “Oh thanks!”. “Nooo…I meant they think you spend a lot of time on your own, working, and that’s odd. They think it’s kind of mysterious, keeping a distance from everyone”. “You don’t?”. “No, you just try to avoid them because you don’t like them”. “That’s not really the reason why I haven’t got along with the lot here. I’ve had other things going in my mind”. “See, now you sound like everyone else, whinging about life. There’s no mystery in you”. “You’re right! The magic’s gone”.
As I said the last sentence, I was thinking about Vicky. I think I am right in guessing that the magic between us is truly gone. All that’s left is the friendship as we were best friends from teenage. Ever since we moved down here, the thought has clouded my mind all the time. And I’ve been trying to talk to somebody, but all I could think of was Vicky. I spoke to my mate Jono a few times, but not about our lives. Uttering those words to Ellie made me realise that it’s probably time. Time to have a candid tête-à-tête with Vicky. “Hey, Damien, are you alright?”. My stupor broke by her words. I don’t remember how long I stood there, but it can’t be too long, the cigarettes in our hands are still glowing. “Ya, I’m fine. Sorry”. “If you feel like crying, let me go first. Especially if you’re going to sob”. “Oh ya! Some great friend you’re turning out to be! Not even wanting to listen when someone is in distress!”. “No point mocking me, even if I did, you wouldn’t tell me. We are only on speaking terms since this afternoon”. “Keep it to yourself will ya Ellie?”. “No worries. I’m not in the gossiping group! I was worried for a second…look, we all have issues in our lives to deal with”. “No, you’re right. Fuck it, I need some shots”. “Well c’mon then!”.
On our way back we walked in silence, probably either of us thinking about what happened outside. I didn’t walk behind her like before, our arms brushed. As we were about to go in the dining hall, we noticed some people were already coming out. I picked my jacket up, and waited until she finished off the wine she was drinking and picked her bag up. “Are you coming back to town for your shots?”. “You betcha I am!”. “Okay I might see you there sometime tonight then. Are you going with Aaron?”. “I don’t mind. I’d go wherever they serve the cheapest booze”. “Then I’ll definitely see you tonight, I think we’re all going there. Well it was nice finally talking to you Damien, see, I don’t bite! “. “I always tried to say hi to you! But ya, it was nice talking to you too”. We headed off for the lounge. I don’t even know if somebody called a taxi or who I’m going with. I felt a hand slapped my back outside. It was Aaron. “I can see you pulled Ellie, are you coming with us or going somewhere else?”. He said “else” with a wink. I wanted to say something funny but couldn’t think of anything, and she spoke before me, “Shut up Aaron. Somewhere else with him! I’m not blind!”. “Too right. Pull her? I might pull a lamppost! Have we got a cab?”. “It’s on the way. You’re coming with me. Stay here”. And he disappeared in the waiting crowd. “That wasn’t really necessary was it Damien?”. “You know the moment I said it I thought FUCK! I am—!”. “No wonder Vicky wants to leave you. Excuse me”. And she squeezed her way past through the crowd towards the girls, leaving me alone.
I resented the minute I said it, but perhaps that was me trying to deny something I might have been wishing for. I’m not the most sensitive person and I call Vicky a slag all the time, she doesn’t mind and rather enjoys it. If I said that joke to her, she’d probably have said to try sticking my dick in a lamppost instead! I texted Vicky that I’m going to the town. She replied saying if the bet is still on sleeping with Ellie. “NO Vicky! She fucks a tennis pro! I’m just going to get pissed”! “Ah ha. You don’t know what’s been happening. They broke up!”. “But she said they are together!”. “Her bloke posted pictures on Facebook with a girl in the bikini by the pool. A sexy one, not like the pig. Your flame commented who’s she and he said just a fan. Yeah mate, you’re not Andre Agassi that people chase you for a selfie!”. “So, what happened then?”. “Right, don’t repeat it to anyone, they had a showdown. He didn’t want to piss off an ex-diplomat’s daughter, and she couldn’t see that he’s been a dickhead so they got back together. Then someone saw another piccie on the other girl’s profile and told Ellie. She had enough and threw him out”. “What a dick!”. “Feeling sorry for her Maddie? If you’re fucking a hippo every night, you’d want the same!”. “If I get a fuck every night I don’t mind a hippo. A bird in hand ;)…btw, since when are you so interested in gossip?”.
Our taxi arrived finally. I got in the front seat to avoid any more prying questions from Aaron. The other two are pissed already. They smell of wine, and their shirts bear the evidence that they drank red. I looked on the phone. Vicky replied. “I’m not but Sharon pisses me off with all her bitchy gossiping!…you’d get a root every night babes when I get Sharon ready to come with us;)!”. So she got the hint! She stays away from me because Sharon doesn’t want to share the room with us. “Like that’s ever gonna happen! I’m fed up not being with you Vic. You want both of us at the same time, it’s not working, so you need to decide—”. I looked at the message again and deleted it. It’s not worth having this discussion at this state. Then another message flashed on the screen. “So the bet’s off then?”. “What bet?”. “Sleep with the elliephant haha ;)!”. “Ya. Like I had any chance! I’m gonna get stoned”. “Be careful Maddie. Don’t call me unless it’s urgent, but if you need me, give a bell anytime”. “I will. Night night x o x o x”. The lot behind me seem to have gone to sleep. We are back in Brighton now. The taxi stopped at the Esplanade. I looked around but it was only our cab here.
I looked at the time. 11:30. Still, plenty of nightlife is left. But the lot with us is already pissed, we aren’t even sure if they’d let us in. “Mate, I can’t let these pissheads come with us. I’ll take them to my flat then come back”. Aaron’s idea seems to make sense. “I’ll come with you. You can’t handle these two!”. Anthony, one of our surveyors suggested he wants to go home and needs a cab. We put him on his cab, and Aaron asked me to stay here and look out for the other people back from the hotel. I waited for 15-20 minutes waiting on the pavement. It’s getting colder, and the wind is getting stronger. I got a few wolf whistles from a group of pissed girls. I looked at the time again, neither Aaron nor the other lot is here yet. I decided to go indoors somewhere and wait for them instead.
I walked across the road to West street. This is a familiar place for me, especially the walkabout. When we fancy some real Fosters or Bundy rum, we come here. Vicky likes this one, but I think Macko, the manager is a bit snotty. I never really felt welcome here, and some of the other Aussies I spoke at different times seem to think the same. I still went in, to kill some time rather than strolling along the cold esplanade. I sat next to the bar and ordered a shot of rum to Gina, the girl from NSW who serves weeknights. The rum didn’t last long, and I started to feel edgy, sitting all on my own. I don’t dislike my company in most places, but bar and nightclubs are an exception. Because of Christmas, the bar is still busy, so I can’t even have a chat with the bar crew. Besides, Macko doesn’t like that. I went for a cigarette outside, to clear my head and look on the phone if Aaron is coming back soon. I got no bars on my phone inside. The pavement is quite crowded, and there I noticed Chantelle. She was walking past me as I called her, “Chantelle!”. “Oh hi Damien, alright?”. “Ya, where are you heading?”. “Just here, to Revolution”. “Do you know where the rest of the crowd is?”. “No idea mate. The girls are here”. “I thought we put down money for a booze fund? Are we all not going to the same place?”. “So nobody told you?”. “Told me what?”. “Well, people thought it’s a bad idea and took their money back”. “When did that happen?”. “This evening”. “Fuck, when was somebody going to tell me!”. “I don’t know Damien. Ellie had the money for everyone. She still has mine, but she’s here so it doesn’t matter. I don’t know about lads, a few were here with us, but someone else must be giving the money back. Maybe ask Aaron?”. “So Ellie won’t have it?”. “You can ask yourself. Come in”.
I followed her in the queue. It didn’t take too long to get to the gate. I was lucky that Chantelle was with me, we went in without any problem. I wonder how, but the girls managed a cosy corner with leather sofas. I guess the people who are working tomorrow, have left, and it’s only students and merrymakers who are still here. Ellie noticed me as we entered the room, and she looked away chatting with the others. I went and sat next to her, hoping to ask about the money. Before I could ask, Chantelle said. “Ellie, Damien was looking for his money, I thought you might be having it”. I think she didn’t want me there, and wished I took the money and go out. “Yes, I got your money, sorry Damien I thought we’d all come back at the same time”. “No worries. Have you got the cash?”. She stood up, picking up her coat. “I’ll come with you, I gave out all the cash I had. Need to go to the cashpoint”. While we were talking, I kept wondering which three girls here fancy me, because all I’m getting is dagger looks. I bet she blurted all that lamppost joke, they are bezzie mates again.
In the bar area, I spoke to her, “Ellie, I’m really sorry, and I felt awful since I said it”. “Must be something you always thought then!”. “Ellie look I’m sorry and there’s no other way to put it. I know it must have upset you. Look I’ll be off if you want me to”. “It’s up to you. You came here for the money anyway”. “Actually, I thought we all are going to the same place! Nobody told me what the bloody plan was”. “It was at the last minute, after I went away outside”. She sighed, “It probably wasn’t you at all Damien, maybe it’s just me, perhaps I overreacted…cmon let’s go outside I need a fag. I’m bored sick”. We went to the open area at the back. A halogen heater is keeping the outside of the canopy warm, even in this cold. We smoked our cigarettes in silence for a while. I couldn’t think what to say to her, do I pretend that moment never happened? “The more I think about it”, she spoke finally, “it had nothing to do with what you said. I mean it’s no point pretending, my boyfriend and I broke up six weeks back. He was cheating on me”. I don’t really know what to say in these situations. Should I appear surprised, shocked or sad? “Oh, sorry to hear that”. “It’s okay. In fact, I was telling you as if we were still together, it’s pretty sad”. “Well it’s your way of dealing with it, that’s all that matters”. She lit another cigarette. I haven’t smoked back to back fags for a long time, but I did the same. She looked out towards the dark facades of the buildings around us, smoking in silence. In the light filtering through the canopy and the heater, I could see tears trickling down her cheeks. Fuck! She’s crying! And she’s neither my date nor even a friend that I’d try to console her. Should I give her a hug? Touch her arm? I just stood there, repeating her staring vacantly into the darkness and smoking. I can now see why she was hurt. She must be thinking that she can’t keep a boyfriend. I offered her my pack of tissues. She took it in silence, wiped her cheeks and blew her nose before she spoke again, “Thanks a lot, Damien, the strangest thing is almost everyone here knows about it, but I haven’t told it to anybody”. “Yes, you can’t maintain a private life without people prying”. “You’re right. I’ve been quite naive. Let’s get you your money. I’ve kept you waiting long enough”. “It can wait, more we wait less likely it is that I’ll spend them!”
We went inside the lounge. There was a cash machine. Ellie said it charges about £3 and we should go to the cash point. She suggested we went to a bank and have a cigarette on the way. “Do you think you might need a trip to the ladies before?”. Her eyes squinted, “Why?…oh I see, is it that bad?”. “All over your face. You might get a few comments about Hallowe’en”. “Blimey! Thanks”. She went to the toilet to fix her makeup. I doubted whether it was a good decision to let her do that. I might be waiting here for another half an hour. It’s already 1:15. Where’s the time gone! I wondered why Aaron didn’t contact me, and the wifi here is shit. I managed to get one bar in the end, and received a text from Aaron sent about 12:30 that he’s staying in because Tim, the drunk guy he took in had been sick and he was cleaning the floor and carpet for last half an hour. He said whether I managed to get my money from Ellie and the rest of the guys are in Coalition. I made up my mind to go to Aaron’s, once I got the money from Ellie. But it depends when she comes back.
To my surprise, she didn’t take much time at all! Less than 10 minutes! That must be a record! She put some mascara on, to match with the blue of her dress. She’s got a darker shade of lipstick, and as she came closer, I could smell the perfume. She looks pretty when she dresses up rather than wheel about in her baggy trousers, I wonder why she wears them! “That was quick!”. “Oh well…Let’s go Damien”. And we were out in the streets. People now are rowdier, but there is only a few. “Are you feeling better now?”. “Yes, better. That’s the word. Thanks, Damien”. We walked towards the nearest cash point along West street. After walking in silence for a bit, she said, “I think I know why you said what you said”. “Why?”. “I can’t answer it for you. But let’s not dwell on that now”. We found a cash point but when I pointed it to her, she said this one was cloned a few weeks ago. I suddenly thought, is she dragging her feet to spend time with me? Her excuses seemed pretty deliberate. And the change of makeup. But then, I don’t mind doing this rather than getting pissed with people I don’t particularly like. After walking for another five minutes, we found a bank. She took out £300 and asked if I can do the same. “But you only owe me £30!”. “Yes, I paid everybody else’s than the girls and some others, who I don’t know where they are. I thought I’ll pay by card”. “But they can pay by card, no?”. “Damien, do as I say. Not everyone likes paying by card on a night out. Too easy to lose it or get cloned”. “You’re the boss!”. On our way back we spoke about her childhood being grown up in the Far East. I thought international schools are for snobbish people, but she turned out to be a nice person! “So why did you become an engineer Ellie?”. “What do you mean? Being a woman and an engineer?”. “Fuck no! I mean your lot tend to go in law and all that sort of shit before following the family business”. “And what’s MY LOT?”. “I mean the rich people”. She laughed out for a moment. I guess she laughed first time while talking to me, ever. She looked radiant then, and as she laughed, she slapped my shoulder. If felt her touch is still there, although she moved her hand away! “You see Damien, I guess I’m beginning to understand you. I’d be pretty offended by that, but I can see that you meant no malice, it’s just how you talk!”. “Sorry! So you’re not offended? I’m used to people swearing at me if I offended them, so you see, hard to guess if you don’t tell me”. “Okay, I’ll swear at you next time!”.
We didn’t realise that we reached Revolution while we spoke. We were engaged in a lively debate about Nando’s chicken and what’s best to eat them, hand or knife and fork. “Oh, we are here!”. “Oh yes!”. I stood there for a moment. She looked at me and said nothing. “Well thanks for the money Ellie. And showing me the cloned ATMs!”. “That’s alright! And thanks for listening to me whine about petty things”. “You mean not offering to leave before the tears?”. She forced out a smile, “Something like that Damien. I guess you’re going to where the other guys are? Will you get to go in?”. I looked at the time. It’s gone past 2 AM. I suddenly felt no desire to go there. “No, I guess I’ll go to Aaron’s and have a few drinks with him, I’m not bothered to go clubbing this late. And…I don’t mind if you’d rather want to roam around, showing me streets of Brighton where there are uncloned ATMs”. She looked away as I looked at her. I could tell that my guess was correct. It’s hard to tell in this light if she blushed, but I’m pretty sure she did. “Oh! I see. You don’t?”. “No…”.
We stood there in silence again. It’s like the times in the office, when we’d say nothing and walk past, but it felt different this time. Much was probably said without actually saying anything. “Would Aaron mind if I came over as well?”. “As long as you don’t mind women referred as sex objects. To him, everyone keeps a dildo in their lingerie drawer…To be honest, I’d better ask him”. I sent Aaron a text if he was asleep, while I watched the look of disbelief and hilarity on Ellie’s face. He said he’s watching some trash film on HBO and we are free to come in. “You two can fit into my other room, it’s got a comfy bed ;)”. I told him that we’ll bring some drink. “Yes, we could go there, he’s awake. I said we’ll get some drink. You sure you wouldn’t become unpopular in the bitch club?”. She laughed out, and said in a low tone, “How do you know if I’m not gonna tell it to them inside?”. “I just do. If you still wanna do it, be my guest!”. “Even if I go back, people would still say tomorrow that I threw myself at you. So I don’t give a fuck what they think or say”. “Just don’t let them speculate. Do a check in from Aaron’s”. “Wait here Damien”, she put her hand over mine and squeezed it, “I’ll just be back, let me give the money to the people inside”. And she went in.
I waited outside. The streets look deserted now. All the clubbers are either in the nightclubs or went home. The empty streets with store facades decorated with Christmas lights made the night seem somewhat magical yet eerie. I heard the footsteps on the tiled entrance, the sound I remembered when she went inside. “Fucking bastards, the lot of em!”. She was fuming. “What’s up?”. “They’re not there! Where the fuck am I gonna find them and now I’ll have to carry around all this cash!”. “Look, let’s check Coalition. Aaron said some went there”. We walked across to Coalition. She was busy texting as we walked. As we crossed the esplanade, the chilling sea breeze broke through the layers of warm clothing and made me shiver right through to my bones. I looked at Ellie, busy trying to keep the unruly hair off her face. I thought if I was a photographer, that would make an amazing picture. It’s not just that she looked beautiful at that instant, but it’s the whole combination of the sea breeze rustling her hair, the Christmas lights behind, the empty esplanade that gave that moment a magical feeling. It was a long walk down the ramp to Coalition, Ellie held onto my shoulder to keep the balance. At the entrance, she said, “I’ve texted Chantelle. She just replied she’s there and thought I went away with you”. It is freezing at the sea level. Chantelle came out about five minutes later, Ellie gave her the cash and explained who owes how much. She said she knows the bouncer and could get us in but we said we are off to Aaron’s. On our way up the ramp, it was worse. Ellie definitely had more to drink than I did, and she struggled with her heels. She grabbed hold of my arm tightly so she didn’t slip.
We took a taxi to the Asda that stays open 24hours. I’m pretty disappointed in a way that I still feel alright rather than feeling at least a little tipsy. On the other hand, I made up with Ellie. I still don’t fancy her, but I thought she is a nice girl just to talk to. And I can’t say I can turn up to too many to talk to. But just tonight within a span of last 8-9 hours, I’ve told her things I probably wouldn’t otherwise. And so did she. We asked if the taxi would wait for us for an extra £10. We needed a lot of wine but we didn’t have an awful lot to choose from. We had a crate of beer, six bottles of wine and a bottle of Smirnoff and plenty of nuts and Pringles. And a box of Alka Seltzer. Back in the cab, I put down the bag on the floor, so we had to sit next to each other. “Do you think we had enough for three?”. “Haha well, if we had a bit more time, I’d say no, Damien!”. “Well, we got the hangover medicine”. Every time we went around a roundabout or the taxi took a turn, we lurched one side to another, and I suddenly felt different sitting next to her. I sort of waited for the next turn. And I kept telling myself that it’s just the alcohol.
“So what’s the deal with Maddie? I can see you sort of cringe when anyone calls you that”. “Well I blame Vicky for that. She calls my name in front of pretty much everyone”. “What’s wrong with that?”. “Nothing. But I got the name in school, people used to call me Damo, then Maddo and then one day it’s changed to Maddie and it stayed on. I don’t dislike it, and as I grew up, all my friends called me Maddie, but I don’t like it when people I’m not so familiar with calls me that”. “Why? It’s kind of cute!”. “I think it’s only for friends. I don’t mind Aaron calling me that, but when other ones call me Maddie I feel like punching them in the nose”. “Haha. You’re funny Damien…so…would you feel like punching me if I called you Maddie?”. “Shit, no…I guess I can treat you as friend. Can I?”. “Ya, why not?”. “Cool”.
Aaron was waiting for us in his flat. I think finally it’s time for the booze to flow. We sat down in his hastily tidied up lounge. He wouldn’t have bothered if it was just me. Tim was asleep on the other sofa and I could smell a lot of air freshener to overcome the stench. Ellie sat down on the corner and put the recliner on. I thought it’s not great for three of us sitting next to each other when we want to have a chat. I grabbed a few cushions and sat on the rug. “Come up here mate, plenty of space on the sofa”. “You see Aaron, he doesn’t want to sit next to me, isn’t that right Damien?”. I was going to say something silly but then realised what happened last time. I think Ellie noticed my hesitation and she tried to look away from me. “Go on then, I won’t mind if you compare me to something else”. I thought I found a neutral judge in Aaron, “You see Aaron, ever since I joked about lamppost, I’m being reminded every fifteen minutes. As if I mean anything when I joke!”. “Yeah, he doesn’t Ellie, he’s a nutter!”. “Oi! Watch it! You don’t want me to spill the beans, do you?”. It was an empty threat, I don’t know anything much about Aaron’s personal life, but he said “Anyway, what’s wrong about this lamppost lark? Look at him”, he was pointing at me, “He looks like a bloody lamppost”. “You’re right Aaron! He does look a bit…haha”. We all laughed at the silly jokes before Ellie said, “I wouldn’t mind looking like a lamppost though. I might pull a few more blokes”. “Oh come off it Ellie. What’s wrong with the one you already have?”. I kept quiet, and watched her. Her face was unfazed; eyes stuck to the tele, perhaps deliberately. Then she said casually “He’s fucking a bimbo in Florida where he trains”. “Oh what a dick!”. “Yeah, sorry to hear that Ellie!”. “I just told you an hour ago!”. Shit, what’s she’s playing at? Or is it that she’s enjoying pulling my leg with things I won’t make a joke at? “Well then, sorry to hear that again!”.
I saw a look of disbelief in her eyes. Did it sound like a sneer? I looked at her and she’s looking at the TV again. Aaron probably sensed the uneasiness and said, “Whatever, forget about the slag. It’s his loss Ellie”. “Probably it is, but that doesn’t fill me up with great joy seeing someone I love falling for other women…obviously more good-looking than me!”. “Oh come off it! I’d date you if I was single. Won’t you Maddie?”. Oh that bastard dropped me in it again! Does he want that we hook up or sleep together? I don’t understand what his game was. “Oh…yes, of course…I’d date you as well”. “Don’t lie, Damien, I’ve seen your girlfriend! Gosh, you are patronising!”. “I think the question was…if I’d date you if I were single”. I saw something change in her face, as if a light went off somewhere that made the glow on her face disappear. “Oh yes of course Damien!”. We sat there in silence before Aaron got up and went to toilet. Ellie already drank a bottle of wine and now halfway through the second. “Is it me again? I’m sorry if I upset you”. “No Damien it’s just how things are at the minute. I’m a bit messed up that’s all. Sorry to let you in it”. “Look I’ve only really known you for last few hours. But I can say without being silly or anything that you are really a nice person, you’ve done amazing things in your life, don’t forget all that because some prick thought otherwise”. “Thanks, Damien, you’re very kind but that’s not enough, being a nice person, is it?”. “It is in fact. And to be honest you are attractive, you got sexy curves, nice tits, and a really pretty face, where do you look in the mirror that you don’t like?”.
If the light in the lounge was bright enough, I could probably have seen her face go bright red. And she could see the same on my face. “Your description of being attractive made me feel so cheap now! And you’ve been perving on me as well!”. “No I wasn’t, and what’s wrong thinking nice ass when I saw one?”. “In many ways Damien, but let’s not spend the rest of the night on that. It’s easy for you to say those things but you didn’t have to mean it—”. I don’t know what came over me. I crawled on my knees towards Ellie and took her hand, and said, “No I did mean it, all of it”. She snatched her hand away as Aaron’s shout from the toilet broken the intensity of the situation. He said he’s looking for some spirit he hid in the kitchen. “Come outside Ellie, the balcony is nice! Need a fag?”. “Ya, let’s go”. I opened the sliding door into the steel balcony. It’s a tiny square area, but gives an amazing view of the esplanade. It was chilly and the sea breeze blasted our face. I wanted to get her away from lounge so Aaron doesn’t hear what we were talking about. She sighed and said “Look, I don’t want to be a house wrecker, just because it happened to me. Vicky seems to be a nice girl—”. I thought she’d try to lecture me as if I didn’t know what I meant. “Nor do I Ellie. There’s more to us than meets the eye. Okay I’ll tell you but you must promise not to say this to anyone. I know I can trust you but please, it’s sensitive”. “Don’t tell if it’s that sensitive”. But I told her all, about us, about Vicky and Sharon. Her face didn’t give it away that she was surprised but it she kept looking away when I looked at her. “So you’re offering me to be your bit on the side because your partner doesn’t sleep with you anymore?”. I could sense the sneer in her voice. It does always work when you make the other person feel that they are better off than me. “For fuck’s sake no! I meant things look perfect when they may or may not be in reality. You thought I was patronising but I meant I found you attractive. It doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with you”. “What’s with holding the hand then? You nearly freaked me out. One moment you were saying I got nice tits, then grabbing my hand and you’re drunk as well. I thought I’d have to pepper spray you!”. “Get out! I just held your hand to make you understand that I actually meant it”. “That makes you an almost boyfriend, which means nothing to me”. “Good. Now you see the point of being on your own than being with crap men”. She laughed out and stubbed her fag out in the ashtray. I lit up another cigarette but she said she’s cold and is going inside soon.
I stared into the sea far away, and thought about Melbourne and how this stretch of water is connected to my home, like an umbilical cord. A bloody long one though! I thought about the situation between Vicky and me. Was it a good idea telling Ellie all about it? She might blabber it out to her mates at work, who knows! But it felt good confiding in someone. The question is at what cost though! I’d soon know. I felt her hand on my shoulder. She hasn’t gone inside then! “Damien, I’m really sorry about you and Vicky. Don’t worry, I’ll tell no one”. “Thanks”. “Come here you!”. She pulled me towards her, and gave me a hug. I didn’t know what that hug was for and what I should do with my hands, should I hold her or just leave them dangling, with a burning cigarette in one, which I cupped inside my palm to stop burning a hole in her dress. She steadied herself and said, “Thanks for everything tonight Damien, wish we spoke before. You’re coming in now aren’t you?”. “Ya, lemme finish my fag”. She went inside and I wondered what that hug was about, or whether it was just a nice gesture.
After I went in, I noticed that Aaron has already set the scene with his famous chess board shot glasses for truth or dare. We had the Smirnoff open and he found his sambuca and tequila. He poured all in each glass, then said he’s going to ask the first question to me. I’ve played this quite a few times with small or large number of crowd in Aaron’s flat. “Can’t you think of anything else Aaron? We’ll soon run out of secrets!”. “Yeah, but I’m setting this up for you two, so you can know as much as you want about each other!”. “What are you, a hookup agent?”. “No, but even I can sense the tension between you two”. “Now you two LISTEN! I don’t know what you’re talking about, but if this carries on, I’m going to leave. I came here to avoid these sort of cheap shit!”. I had to tell Aaron off as well, “Aaron, cut it mate. Let’s just drink”. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t play Damien, but don’t need these constant innuendos. That’s more like your bitch club!”. “Ignore him Ellie, I warned you before, he’s a perv! He said he’d fuck anything that’s got a fanny, didn’t you Aaron?”. “I did mate, anyway are we playing?”. “Yes of course!”.Standard
I chose dare knowing it’ll be drinking shots. “Hey that’s not fair! What’s the point of playing if you’d just choose to dare and drink all the shots!”. “Well, you know what to do. Dare me something else to do!”. I regret saying that. None of them were in their full sense to suggest that. But now that I gave them the idea, I wonder what weird plans they’ll come up with. “Sniff your socks for 15 seconds”. It wasn’t too bad, considering my feet don’t sweat much. But it was not very pleasant either, and I missed my drink. Aaron chose truth and so did Ellie but seems like this will go on forever. I chose to dare again, and was told to record on YouTube that Steve Coogan is a shitface. I wonder if that would be a good idea to slander our director but I did that anyway. I left it there for 2 minutes then took it off. Aaron chose truth again and I asked him if he wanked off at work and describe how he did it. He was bloody embarrassed to say that all in detail but Ellie seemed to be amused by the idea. When it was my turn, I said, “Look I’ll choose double dare, for double drink otherwise these shots will still be lying here tomorrow evening!”. “Okay, deal Damien. So strip off and stand in the balcony for a minute”. I don’t know where she gets these ideas from but I guess next time I’ll choose truth. “Ow! Ow! Hold on, I’m still here, I’m gonna get evicted if someone sees him. I don’t want to see your dangling cock, thank you! You can carry on your sexual stuff later, I’m gonna go to bed in half an hour”. “It wasn’t sexual, anyway I take standing up and starting taking your trousers off as dare so you can have your shots”.
It went downhill pretty soon. Aaron chose dare and I asked him to take five shots in a minute, so did Ellie and for a change, she dared me to do the same. That was a mistake! I felt my throat was on fire. I can’t remember how many drinks I had throughout the night, maybe 20 or so, but the shots tipped the balance and it hit me hard. We all thought that it was too much and stick to truth questions but it went all bizarre when Aaron asked Ellie if she fancied anyone at work. I looked at her and she just said yes. But she won’t tell the name. We said it’s not fair but she insisted that it’ll have to wait for next turn and she kept choosing dare. And she kept asking me awkward questions. Aaron tried to stop but I said it’s fine. So they now know that I was in attended orgies, been dogging and where! But I guess they won’t remember tomorrow. Just to keep things vague I asked the same questions to Aaron, which all ended up in a no. I counted that there are still 12 shots and Aaron took 2 and said he’s had enough. He showed where Ellie will be sleeping and said once we finished having sex I could come back to the other sofa. I said, “Don’t be daft!”. Ellie didn’t say anything. I don’t know if it was the drink or intentional. Aaron reminded us not to be silly at the balcony and went to bed. I suggested we had the fag then think about going to sleep.
We sat down in the balcony this time, not taking any risks. “So you don’t want to finish the drinks?”, She asked. “It’s too many really. I thought Aaron would drink a couple more!”. “We’re pissed anyway Damien. Few more won’t make any difference”. “True, true. By the way, I liked your ideas of dares, they’re wicked!”. “Would you like to continue?”. Looked at the phone. It’s 4:55. I wish I booked the day off today. “Yes, why not? But not too long maybe wrap up in half an hour?”. “Yes that’s fine. I can’t believe you were that honest. People would make up things—”. “Depends on the crowd. I told you things about Vicky and me, so telling the rest isn’t a big deal!”. “It’s an eye-opener for me. I haven’t been very adventurous”. Her voice is a bit slurred. I don’t know if mine has changed, being drunk means you think you’re normal and in control, while everyone else thinks otherwise. I laughed out. She looked at me through the screen of smoke between us and said what’s so funny about her admitting that. “It’s wasn’t you, sorry Ellie. I was thinking we talked about all this in truth and dare but can you imagine asking a random colleague if they’ve been out dogging?”. She giggled. “Yeah I can think what their face would be like. Excuse me!”. She went inside as I continued to smoke. The sky is still dark and I don’t think it’ll start to get lighter for a while. She came back after five minutes, bringing four shots with her. “I like it here, can we sit here for a bit? I need a few more fags to clear my head. I’m too pissed now”. “If you admit you’re pissed then you’re probably not. Or beyond care haha”. “Probably the latter”. “Probably”. We picked up two shots, “Prost”. “Prost!”. “Damien, you know when you first came here, I thought you’re an arsehole”. “You’re probably right. What matters is what you think of me now. I wouldn’t mind if you still think the same”. “Well that feeling has changed”. “Great. What happened to your legs aren’t you cold?”. I just noticed she had taken the tights off before she came back. “My legs are hurting”.
“Ellie, I was dying to ask you this all evening”. “Go on then!”, she looked surprised. “It’s your name, do you like it? Do you feel uncomfortable telling it to the others?”. “Oh that!”. She seemed visibly disappointed, perhaps expected something else. “No, that’s my full name Ellishera Careless-Oosthuizen. I don’t know how my mum came up with the name, but she heard that name when she was in Namibia. I don’t love it, but I won’t be too bothered to change it either. And yes, before you can ask, you can call me that if you wish to, without fear of losing your balls!”. She lit another cigarette and said, “Damien, without playing truth or dare, would you answer honestly if I asked you something?”. “I will, but it’s my turn first”. “Fine”. “Are you a princess type or the tomboy type?”. “What do you mean?”. “Well you have ideas about life. The girls I’ve met they either think life’s a fairytale and they are princesses. Then there are the types who are tomboys who give a fuck to anything and does what they want”. “Well, Damien, I’ve done a lot of things like riding, diving, roughing up when I was in Africa…so you can call I was a tomboy, but I want a happily ever after as well”. “Oh you had to be bloody difficult!”. “I like it being difficult! What’s Vicky then?”. “Oh, she is a combination of tomboy and a bitch”. “Erm…We haven’t had this conversation. What’s this have to do with my question anyway?”. “Nothing, it was just a random thought. But you didn’t get me about the bitch comment. I tell her every day! She doesn’t get offended. Okay your turn. Ask away!”. Her voice is really slurred now. “Tell me, do you like me?”. I kept quiet a minute. My mind is all fuddled now with so many shots. And now I’ve got a great sense of conscience under the influence of booze. “Of course I like you. I spent the whole evening and night with you Ellie. Would I have done that otherwise?”. “Not what I asked you Damien”.
She stood up and put out her cigarette. She walked over to me and half sat on my stretched legs and wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “Look straight into my eyes and tell me, do you fancy me?”. “I do a bit Ellie. But you are a princess girl, I have nothing to offer you. I still love Vicky”. “What’s the princess girl nonsense?”. “I love Vicky. And perhaps I’d like to be a bit closer with you than how we’ve been, I live in a relationship where it is like that. But I guess that’s not all that you want…and what you want is a stable relationship, all on your own, and I don’t want to waste your time. I genuinely like you, and perhaps in another parallel universe in a different dimension, we’d take this forward, but stuck in reality, it’s all going to end in broken hearts”.
I could see the pain in her eyes. I’m pretty sure that it’s not me she wanted, but to be in a relationship like she was before. My legs are aching because of the way she’s sitting on them. Her legs look very pale, almost translucent, just like her arms and face. I could kiss her, she was that close, and the moment was just right. But I watched her get off my legs, and pull the door open. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Damien. You’re totally pissed…It’s late Damien. And I’ve grovelled enough, it’s getting me down. I’m gonna go lie down”. “Okay Ellie, will you speak to me later or are we back to being strangers?”. “Of course I’ll talk to you. Night night Damien”. “See ya later alligator”. She walked along the long corridor that joins the lounge to the main bedroom where Aaron’s sleeping. She went into the spare room on the door and shut the door.
Fuck! Would it have hurt to play along with her, at least for tonight? Would she have remembered this chat tomorrow when she’s sober? I felt like an asshole, left alone, abandoned by my puritanical righteousness. Rather Right-ass-ness, I thought. Driven by the same urge of doing the right thing, I started cleaning Aaron’s lounge, drained away leftover shots, put all the snacks away in the kitchen, picked crumbs off the carpet, then turned off the light and lay down on the sofa. I stared at the ceiling where the street lamps below threw some light, and I couldn’t shut my eyes. The entire evening started to unfurl in front of my open eyes, like a collage of snapshots, and it was only about Ellie — how she caught my eyes watching her, her smiles and laughter, her hair blowing in the sea breeze, her shiny brown eyes through a fog of smoke looking at me asking for answers. And the reel of images finished with her sitting on my leg, her arms around my neck, and her legs…and those eyes that told me a lot tonight, yet all I did was to break her heart. Filled with resentment and disappointment, I closed my eyes. The party is over.
I woke up with a terrible thirst. And a banging headache. I felt relieved remembering that there’s Alka Seltzer. I looked at the ceiling half-asleep and the moment I closed my eyes, I saw Ellie. She stood in the corridor between the lounge and the toilet. She’s stark naked, standing with her hands on the walls, as if trying to prevent me going past her. The spotlights along the corridor made her look like a mannequin in a display window, so real, yet so impeccable that she couldn’t be. She may not be very tall but with her hair falling on her bare shoulders, her massive breasts that defied gravity, and her strong legs joined at the groin with triangularly shaped pubes, she was more surreal than how I remembered her. The only colour on her was a shiny deep red stone on the ring of her navel, As I walked up to her, she undid my shirt buttons, and ran her fingers along my chest. Without saying any word, I bent down and kissed her, and then looked at her. The big shiny brown eyes looked at me, and possibly looked through me, as I saw her face transform into Cyrielle’s, the French woman we went camping with, then to other women we slept with before, and it was Ellie again in the end. She took my hand and took me into her room.
I opened my eyes again! Shit! It was only a dream! It was so real and I was about to sleep with her! I tried to focus and looked around. This space looks like a small room and I’m lying on a single bed. What! That must be the room Ellie slept in last night. I looked around again. She was nowhere to be seen. But then, just like a long forgotten memory, I smelled Ellie’s scent. The perfume she was wearing last night. Nah, it can’t be true! I must be dreaming, this is just a dream inside a dream. But in the first dream, I was going to have sex with her. It felt pretty horny. I decided to close my eyes again, possibly inside my second dream, where trace of Ellie’s scent is still lingering.
“Easy tiger!”. She muffled through her heavy breathing as I pushed her on the wall. Our bodies thrashing and twisting like two mating cobras, and Ellie completely drained me out of strength. We seem to be going on forever! It’s just like how we smoked on the way to the cash point this evening – one after another after another. It started gently and as we explored each other’s bodies, the levels were pushed further out. After we finished yet another climax, and I felt burnt and bruised by her scratches and bites, I asked, “C’mon Ellie, let’s lie down now and get some sleep”. “Not yet! I’ve waited for this for months!”. “What do you mean?”. “I didn’t tell who I fancied at work did I?”. “Who is it?…Me! Of all the other blokes?”. “You, always! And I was right on another thing as well”. She winked at me. “What’s that?”. “Let’s say room had been half empty before!”. “Sounds like you’ve been deprived”. “Yes, long time!”.
The scene changed. She’s lying on her back, and I’m lying down with my face on her stomach, pulling her ring while trying to make eye contact looking past her large breasts that even lying down, remained upright. “Ellie, I think I got a few confessions to make”. “Really, what’s that?”. “Last night I reacted clumsily making the lamppost joke. I guess because Aaron had said something that was at the back of my mind!”. “I know! Didn’t I tell you? What are the others then?”. “I have been perving on you since I’d been here. It’s like scanning your body every day, getting the details finer and finer in your mind. You turned up just how I imagined you to be”. “Hmm…then I got one as well. I’ve been having sex with you in my mind for quite some time now!”. “And how do you rate me compared to the virtual one?”. “Much better. You can only imagine up to a point. I can see why Vicky is stringing you along. So what’s your other confession then?”. “Well, I have never seen tits like yours before!”. “Then why are you ignoring them?”. And she pulled my hand to her breasts. “Here you go!”.
I woke up again. Fuck! I feel really horny now! And I missed the sex again in my dream! This must have been the best erotic dream of my life, and the worst one by how much frustrated it left me. I blinked my eyes. Yes, they are open. And I’m definitely lying on the small bed, not the sofa in the lounge. Ellie’s perfume is still lingering but she can’t be seen in this room. I got out of the bed, wondering what I was doing in this room. Did she go out this morning and I came in later on? As I stood on my feet, barely keeping my balance, I realised that I haven’t got any clothes on. Did I undress after I came inside this room? This all must have been a big dream. I’ll soon wake up and see Aaron and Tim and Ellie. I put clothes on and stepped outside the room. I must wake up in the lounge, to be sure that it’s a dream! But Aaron is nowhere, nor is Tim. I called their names, no answer. There’s no one in this flat, nor any note for me. I decided to pull the curtains.
That’s when the reality lunged back at me, just as the bright sunny day dazzled my eyes. The curtain opened to a busy Friday Brighton that is far from my imagination. My head is pounding, and so are my eyes. I felt crestfallen. That dream was so vivid. Yet I can’t imagine any of that happened in reality. I tried hard to remember what happened last night and the last thing I could recall was her going into her room. I took an Alka seltzer drink and sat down on Aaron’s sofa. I sat there and closed my eyes again so they stop hurting. I also hoped if I could find out some clue on what exactly went on this morning since the time I remember. Trying to remember didn’t result in anything, but closing my eyes seems to bring out a lot of images that actually happened last night.
This time it took a while to dream Ellie. The bright room made it impossible to fall asleep, so I had to draw the curtains again. I tried to think of the time the last dream ended, with my hand in Ellie’s tits. But it didn’t continue like that. I tried to force the dream to move forward, but I was awake, so all I could see was a continuous repeat of the same instance. Until I went back to sleep properly, and the images changed.
We are lying half sat next to each other, my arm around her. Her hand still wrapped around my cock, and I don’t think she’s going to let it go. “Oh, it was amazing! How about you, Ellie?”. “Same here! It was fab”. “Hey, we both agreed on something!”. We both laughed. Then she spoke again in her slurred voice, “Damien, I’ve wasted many years trying to be satisfied with a mean prick and a tiny cock. But ya, listen carefully!”. “What is it?”. “Let’s be blunt, would you just want to have sex sometimes? None of us disliked it, it’ll be no strings attached til me or you move on with our lives and situations?”. I wondered what Vicky would think. But she can’t say much, she’s already with Sharon, well partly. She can’t be jealous of us. “Why not?”, I thought. Friends with benefits, hmm…”You won’t be those psycho bitches, will ya? Stalking and chasing me, or worse?”. “What do you think? You said you don’t give a fuck to anybody! What is it? Vicky?”. “No, she would be fine with it”. I couldn’t see her face clearly but I could sense her eyes are watching all my reactions closely. “But…?”. “Nothing…Tell you what Ellie, fuck it, if you want me in, I’m in!”. “Like you had any choice, I control this gear anyway”. And squeezed that fist that was wrapped around me. We laughed out loud again, the gloomy cloud that hovered over us during the early morning has lifted. “There might be a little treat for you every day, Damien!”. “What do you mean?”. “If you want, you can touch my tits every day!”. “”You’re a sicko. How can we do that?”. “At the front stairwell, while leaving”. “Are you crazy?”. “Nope. Everybody uses the back one to get to the car park. So what say?”. “Well…I hope there isn’t CCTV on the stairwell!”. “Get ready then. Let’s get ready for work. You can have your first treat today!”.
I woke up much calmer this time. I exactly knew where I was, but none the wiser on this morning. This has been a dream indeed! Everybody else must have gone to work! I’m glad the dream ended with a happy note, but now the sad feeling engulfed me, thinking how I remember, it didn’t end like this with Ellie.
Suddenly, it dawned on me! Shit! It was always supposed to be that way! The dream was just happening inside my head to tell me how it could have ended. I thought I must see Ellie today and tell her what I feel about her. I doubt Vicky would be annoyed, especially when she knows Ellie as much as she knows all the gossip about her! She’ll probably be taunting me all the time! I had a hot shower and put on the same clothes I was wearing, with the intention to get changed inside the disabled toilets. I found my phone under the sofa. It’s 2:10PM! We were supposed to be back at 11. There are 30 missed called from Vicky and Aaron, and many texts from Vicky. I just read the last one that said “Aaron told me that you slept at his. Can we go home together tonight Maddie?”. I didn’t understand the tone of that text. What did Aaron tell Vicky? Was there anything to tell?
I almost ran the 1km stretch from Aaron’s flat to our office. It was 2:30 by the time I got changed. As I walked through the corridor, there was a loud cheer and wild whistles. Lots of claps. Except Ellie. Of course! I sat down on Prakash’s seat again. I could not do anything today, but wanting to speak to Ellie. She looked at me a few times as well. I noticed something changed in her. She looked different. She smiled at me, but I don’t know what to make of it. Does she not remember what happened last night? I must find a moment to speak to her alone about my feelings.
About 3:30 she got up from her seat and went past the end door that leads to the toilet block. I went behind her and decided to stay there until she came back. This was the longest 5 minutes in my entire life. I’ve been rehearsing what I’m gonna say to her, but I wasn’t pleased with any of them. Then I heard the latch, and the door opened. It was her.
Suddenly all my courage and carefully chosen words have all vanished and I just stood there, in front of her. “Hi Ellie”. “Damien”. “I…I got something to tell you”. “Okay, go ahead!”. “About last night, I’ve been really stupid. A total asshole”. “What are you talking about?”. “When I was telling you about meeting you in a different dimension and all…—”. “Ah yes, and I remember how your dimensions changed very quickly”, she said as she took a couple of steps forward to stand right against me. She ran her index finger on my chest just like she did in the dreams. I looked at her in shock and surprise! And the word just came to me. Yes! She looks radiant. The dimples on her cheek are permanently pronounced as if she’s constantly trying to stop smiling. Did the last night really happen then? “See you in the stairwell then in half an hour!”. She walked past me, leaving the door swinging. The lines between reality and dreams blurred away. Suddenly Brighton doesn’t feel that terrible place anymore!
I still don’t believe it. This better not be another bloody dream! I’m gonna kill Christopher Nolan otherwise.
Ich erinnere mich noch an die zeit bei Göthe Institut. Es gab ein Bild in unserem deutschen Kursbuch, Tangram Aktuell. Eine Frau steht an einem Bahnhof und trägt ein schwarze Kleider. Unser Klassenlehrer wollte, dass wir das Bild beschreiben. Ich erinnere mich, was ich geschrieben hatte. Und ich habe seit sieben Jahren nach dem Text gesucht. Letzte Woche ich habe mein Arbeitsbuch und Aufzeichnungen gefunden. Ich schreibe nicht gut deutsch wie im Jahr 2008. Aber der Text ließ mich fühlen, dass ich es wünschte. Es gibt drei Texte, erster von unserer Gruppe und zwei letzten sind von anderen…
Einen Winterabend auf dem Bahnhof. Der Zug war spät und es war kalt. Dort steht alleine eine hübsche Frau. Sie sieht traurig aus. Wer ist sie? Wie heißt sie? Und woher kommt sie? Wir wissen nichts. Vielleicht sie heißt Maria, Julia oder Pina? Ist sie verheiratet? Nein, mit allein schwarzen Kleidern, sie ist vielleicht verwitwet. Kommt sie aus Spanien oder Deutschland? Sie wartet auf den Zug. Wozu? Vielleicht für einen neuen Beruf oder ein neues Leben. Wir wissen das nicht. Geht sie nach Frankfurt, wie alle anderen? Wir können das nie wissen. Wir erinnern uns nur an die traurige Dame auf den Bahnhof an einen Winterabend.
Pedra wartet auf den Zug. Sie ist 24 Jahre alt. Vielleicht kommt sie aus Russland. Sie ist ledig und studiert Medizin. Ich glaube dass früher hatte sie viele Tagträume. Alle haben gebrochen. Jetzt hat sie keine Tagträume. Sie will von hier weggehen, irgendwohin sehr weit, wo niemand sie finden kann.
Sie ist India. Sie ist 24. sie wohnt in Deutschland und ist ledig. Vielleicht ist sie jetzt arbeitslos. Vielleicht hat sie sich von ihren Fremd getrennten. Deshalb wartet sie auf den Zug und möchte zu Eltern fahren. Sie hat Angst von ihrer Zukunft und wünscht sie in ihren Leben Erfolg hätte.
Not sure how I ended up writing grotesque horror and gore stories. This is an experimental writing project, trying out new formats of flash fiction, and a new genre. It was inspired by a few two-line horror stories I read a long time ago. I had other stories in mind, but I’ve stopped at 13, keeping it ominous, as well as maintaining my sanity to avoid nightmares. I’d say they are like the Evil Dead/Final Destination series, some find them hilarious, some terrifying. Depending on which side you belong to, I’d warn that contents are pretty creepy and not suitable for children or weak-hearted adults.
They said that I was always good in geometry. I never denied it. Geometry is everywhere; it’s about how every line, arc and angle fitted into a perfect symmetry. I could always sense that. Except for the time I failed to notice the parabolic trajectory of a shard of glass that sliced my throat.
Shawn came home hungry after a long day at work. He wanted to cook a korma. He opened the freezer and took out a box of frozen meat. He looked at the label and smiled. That was Brian’s thighs, the guy Shawn last dated.
Monica pressed the brake hard, the traffic is queuing ahead. She looked outside, to see what’s lying on the verge. Packets of chips, pieces of tyre, the skin of foxes and badgers run over. She crawled forward a bit and looked again. On the grassy land covered with trees lay what looked like a hand. She focussed hard, that was a hand! And what’s that big bin bag doing there? Monica could feel her heartbeat rising. But the traffic eased off suddenly and she drove on home.
Tinku thinks he has special powers. Not just the sights and sounds, he can remember the smell and the taste as well. He remembers the aroma of the egg curry with butter he had fifteen years back in his friend’s flat. And he remembers the putrid smell of the corpse of a woman at the crematorium — her body swollen from the Post-mortem, and the smell of cheap perfume her family was pouring on her to douse the smell.
I was on my way to the Chinese class on an auto rickshaw. The traffic slowed down in the railway over-bridge and people were looking down. So did I. There was a man, sitting on the track. Not all of him though. It was his torso, wrapped in a jute bag, sat up. His head was missing. Why did I look!
Arshad saw the bicycle thief. Being mauled by the mob. He grabbed his daddy’s hand a bit tighter. And they went to the market. Arshad couldn’t understand why they were beating that guy. Or the human form lying inside the waste bin on their way back. Thirty years on, he still wonders if the mob set fire on him or it was just mud.
There was a stale stench hung in the air. It seemed to come from Mr. Vargese’s flat on the first floor. When the smell was so strong in the stairwell, the neighbours decided to break in his flat. The moment the front door was burst open, it was clear what it was. They found his body hanging from the ceiling in the toilet. And the flies. As John cut the rope, Stan tried to hold on to the dangling legs to lower the corpse. But his hand sank through the decomposed flesh. Rotten flesh all over his hand. And the flies sat back on them.
“Sam, are you home?”. Abbey called from outside Sam’s window. Sam looked at the watch. 1:57. What the hell? Should he get up? He stayed in his bed. “Sam?”. She called again. “Coming”, Sam got out of the bed and put his top on. The next morning, people found Sam’s door wide open. He was never found. Sam didn’t wait for the third call. The devil claimed his soul.
Adewale looked up from the ground floor landing and his heart skipped. Is there a man watching over them from the top of the stairwell? He looked again, the head was still there. With three or four classmates he climbed up to the fourth floor and realised that it was a bulkhead lamp hanging from the ceiling. Nevertheless, Ade looked up every day. Except for one night, when he was slightly drunk, and there was a head instead of the lamp, watching over him. He had a sickle in his hand.
It was my idea. Imran opposite the toilet was a sissy. We made a scarecrow for Imran, using the travel kits people borrowed from the university mountaineering society. Then we hung it from the ceiling of the toilet, so if Imran ever wanted a toilet at night, he’d see the man hanging. We also took out a lamp from the toilet. Imran didn’t go to the toilet that night. I did. And I forgot about the prank. They are sending me for post-mortem today.
Parimal is into palmistry. When Malay came to show his hands, Parimal told him to be careful, but he wouldn’t say what of. During summer, they went to the hills in a group of 15. On the first night they found themselves surrounded by tribal people wielding machetes and torches. They set fire to the house. Some of Malay’s mates chose to be burnt alive. Some tried to flee but were hacked to death. That’s what Parimal saw on Malay’s hand. A violent death. Malay was hacked.
When Stefan went to the uni to study engineering, he was met by a bunch of sophomores. They dragged him to the field, down to the loco sheds. Stefan knew about ragging, but this was going a bit far. They tied his hands behind his back, laid him on one of the tracks, and bound him to the track. Stefan could hear the vibrations of a coming train. He knew about this prank before. This must be the disused track, he kept telling himself. It was, or so thought by the sophomores as well. But the loco was sent for shunting. It dragged Stefan about fifty yards, at a slow speed, shredding his body in pieces for over two minutes.
Harriet wanted to be a nurse. Yet her parents forced her to be a doctor. She never liked autopsy much, and it almost pushed her off the edge. During her time as an intern, her friends took her to the hospital morgue and slammed the door behind her. They thought about leaving her for a few minutes and let her out. They forgot as the pagers went off for a major accident emergency. Samantha came back to unlock her three hours later. She found Harriet chewing an arm, ripped off from a corpse.
***The reaper’s thirteen***
Debra always slept with her pet python. Its girth reminded her of her last boyfriend. The python stopped eating one day. She took it to the vet, but the vet couldn’t find anything wrong. She tried to change its diet but nothing happened. Then one night Debra found herself constricted by the giant snake. As her head slowly started to disappear into its mouth, Debra realised why the python stopped eating. It was getting ready to eat her.
Thursday 18:15. I was driving on the QE2 bridge, when I noticed three Pumas in the sky. They were heading towards the bridge, and were flying really low. In the rose tinted sky, they looked ominous. I drove on, with bated breath. They were just above the mast!
No missiles split the bridge in two, no cars ahead morphed into Transformers, no sign of Godzillas behind me! Just the dull blade slaps through the window. The choppers went north, and we all headed Kent. I told myself again, life isn’t Dolby Digital!
Must’ve noticed my Batmobile. Gotham is safe again!
Peut-être ce sera la première fois et peut-être la dernière que je t’écris une lettre. Je crois que tu attends une décision après notre tchat ce matin. Et donc cette lettre. Une lettre, parce que si j’essaie de donner une autre forme à mes pensées, peut-être ça va porter un autre sens. Cette fois, et la dernière fois, il faut que je m’explique tant que possible.
Il y a des fois quand je me suis aussi souvenu que je ne sois pas un étant-humain, je ne m’exprime pas, ni parle rien plus de temps, et je reste assis comme une pierre avec un visage indifférent…Tout le monde va penser le même. Alors, j’accepte que c’était une faute…une faute très grave. Si grave que ç’a formé un mur entre nous. Et plusieurs fois, j’ai essayé de le briser. Mais je pense que comme tout mes autres essais, ce n’était pas assez. Je t’ai dite une fois, pour chaque argument je trouve deux ou plusieurs point de vus, et je trouve presqu’impossible à les exprimer quand je ne suis pas convaincu 100% moi-même. Alors, la silence!
Mais c’est aussi vrai qu’il y a des fois quand je ne trouve pas rien comme une réponse…je suis perdu dans mes pensées, en la cherchant. Dans le brouillard. Ce matin, c’était un moment comme ça. Je savais que tu as eu raison, et je cherchais les mots de m’exprimer…mais en vaine. Donc je n’ai pas pu rien dire sauf que la réponse agité, des mots mal formés, mal appliqués. Et tu sais mon combat avec les mots quand on parle. Tu aurait pu déjà trouvé que je raconte clairement quand j’écris quelque chose, mais quant à parler, je reste toujours se mué, surtout quand tu demandais une réponse toute de suite. Avant tout, ce serait une décision sur mon raison d’être.
Eh alors! Je respecte ce que tu as décidé pour l’avenir. Ou plutôt, qu’il n’y aurait plus d’avenir avec toi et moi ensemble si je ne change pas aussitôt. Tes mots résonnent même maintenant dans mes oreilles. Et aussi le son quand tu as jeté ta tasse trop chère contre le mur. Ça, mon amie, ça m’a complètement énervé ce matin. Je ne savais pas quoi faire, ou quoi dire pour te soulager, te calmer. Mais ce moment-là je me souvenais qu’il faut te donner une réponse. Je crois que ce sera mieux pour toi et moi, si notre chemins se séparent. Là, je suis tout à fait d’accord avec toi. Tu vois, il y a les sujets où on est à l’unisson!
Une séparation, parce que pour le lendemain, notre point de vus sont complètements différents. Oui c’est vrai qu’il faut marquer tes pieds sur terre, pour que tu pourras être souvenue, et faire les choses qui te font différente que les autres…Mais moi, je pense que tout ce que l’on fait dans sa vie quotidienne sont également importantes, également spéciales. Peut-être on ne sera pas bien connu, ou on ne fera pas quelque chose de différente que la foule, mais tout ce qu’on fait, ce n’est pas banale. Ou inutile. Pour moi, j’ai les autres espoirs, mais être réussite dans la vie n’appartient pas à cette liste. Pas sûrement comment le monde compte le succès. Mais oui, J’ai envie de se faire beaucoup d’amis. Ou, peut-être voir un nouveau pays. Apprendre jouer un instrument. Hautbois. Violon…pourquoi pas? Peut-être c’est la raison pourquoi je ne suis pas encore prêt pour te marier, et je crois que je ne serai jamais. Je n’aime pas être lâché, et malgré que tu es si libre, je crois que c’est exactement ça que tu veux faire.
Tu disais d’être préparé à tout quitter un beau jour et commencer à vivre pour moi-même. Alors c’était vraiment une bonne proposition. Mais je ne veux pas quitter ma passion qui me fait rêver…je ne peux pas arrêter à écrire…il y a beaucoup de choses qui ont eu lieu ces jours-ci, et travailler dans mon métier, ça me fait penser, m’appliquer. C’est un moyen d’être créatif, pas vendre mon âme…Tu veux me voir réussir dans la vie, mais tu n’es pas prête me donner le temps. Je ne suis pas intelligente comme toi, j’ai besoin d’assez de temps pour me réfléchir changer le chemin de ma vie. Plus tu me pousses, plus je me retire. Et donc, ma chérie, il faut que je m’en aille.
Mais Nicole, n’importe quoi qu’on décide de l’avenir, je te jure une chose — je n’ai jamais pensé mal de toi ni j’aurai jamais. Pour moi, voici une personne telle spéciale, celle, qui les mots ne suffisent pas expliquer. Comme je l’appelle, elle est en fait un ange, une vraie — la plus intelligente, la plus amicale, la plus sensible, la plus souriante, avec un cœur d’or. Quand je suis avec toi, le temps n’arrête jamais — les heures semblent-ils comme les moments, sauf pendant les silences. Avec elle, on se sent en confiance toujours, elle semble une éponge qui absorbe tout et laisse rien sortir. J’avais vraiment de la chance de rencontrer une personne telle spontanée…son esprit vivant, l’indépendance personnifié…c’est toi mon amie.
J’espère que tu trouves succès, bonheur et achèves ceux que tu toujours voulais faire…Et mon amie, j’espère qu’on reste amis, et n’importe où la destinée nous emmènera, à n’importe quelle partie du monde sommes-nous, l’amitié qui reste entre nous, ne s’évanouit pas avec le temps. Parce que d’abord nous étions amis, avant tout ça, pour presque toute ma vie. Peut-être nous sommes frustrés, mais nous partageons aussi les meilleurs moments de nos vies. Ces morceaux de mémoires seront toujours très cher pour moi…trop riches pour les abandonner. Comme je t’ai dite une fois, notre vie est comme les chemins de fer. Un moment deux chemins sont côte à côte, et le prochain, on est tout seul tant qu’un autre chemin nous joindre.
Et moi? Qu’est-ce que je vais faire? Alors être tout seul…c’est la vie. Tu peux me dire le mieux…mauvais plaisanteries et les dames flirteuses. Il y auraient mes livres.
Et une chambre vide. Mais en fait, tu peux y trouver ma télé, ma laptop et mon matelas sur l’étage. Calme et toute en blanche et bleue – comme tu as trouvé la première fois quand tu étais ici. Je vais garder ma chambre exactement comme ça.
Je ne sais pas encore! Mais d’abord il faut qu’on reste amis. Seulement si tu veux la même.
Ton amour fou
De: Charbonnier, Nicole
Date: Mardi le 29 février 2016 22h39
À: Paget, Jules
Objet: Rien de plus
Merci pour ta lettre. C’est original!
J’ai pas rien de temps pour lire tout ça. Mais je peux quand même deviner l’idée générale.
Entre nous, c’est pas mon ambition qui est le problème. C’est ton ego. Un ego plus grand que ton habileté, et plus compliqué par une bite qui est trop courte! Tu as bien compris que j’étais frustrée, mais pas la raison, que tu m’as jamais satisfaite au lit. Et ton insécurité a nous empêchés d’être un couple libre, que j’ai suggéré plusieurs fois. Ça crève ton ego, parler du sexe. C’est pour les gens inférieurs, moins intellectuels, non?
C’est vrai que nous étions amis il y a longtemps, mais franchement je serai ravie de te voir t’en aller. N’attends pas pour moi. C’est génial ton offre de rester amis après la rupture, mais malheureusement je décline. Je te laisserai pas le plaisir de savoir tout ce qui se passe dans ma vie. Je vais trouver qq1. Un peu normale cette fois!
C’est fini. Punkt! Amuse-toi de ta nouvelle liberté. Et bonne chance avec le violon. T’en as besoin.
Ecris-moi une lettre de rupture
Choisis bien tes mots, choisis les justes
Comme un artisan prend
Son temps quand il ajuste…
— Lara Fabian, La Lettre
Choisis bien tes mots, choisis les justes
Comme un artisan prend
Son temps quand il ajuste…
— Lara Fabian, La Lettre
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