Fiction, Humour

If Muggles did magic – Harry Potter spells on daily life

Ever since I finished reading Harry Potter books, I often felt sad that we can’t do magic, and in certain situations, I felt I could have done with some of the magic spells from the books. Especially while travelling hundreds of miles, I wished I had a portkey. It’s from that chain of thoughts, I thought what if us, muggles, knew magic as well? What would we have done with our skills? Would we have been cautious and careful about magic, like most wizards and witches? Or, would we have made magic banal by using in our daily life? My prediction is for the latter. So let’s have a look at most of the memorable spells, charms and hexes from the Harry Potter books and how, once the initial euphoria was over, muggles would butcher them to make them suit in their day to day life. We could use the spells as follows:

Accio: Summoning Charm; used to summon objects toward the caster (usually from a long distance)

 – Fetch the remote left on the TV unit when you just sat down.
 – You’re in a day out and realise you didn’t bring baby nappies.

Aguamenti: produces a jet of water from the caster’s wand

 – Fill the paddling pool in the garden when you have no hose.

Alohomora: used to unlock and open doors

 – First spell learned by the burglars.
 – When your car door is frozen.

Avada Kedavra: the Killing Curse

  –Never. Except cockroaches and biiiig spiders.

Bat-Bogey Hex: causes the victim’s bogies to enlarge, grow wings, and attack the victim

  –On most of the Tories.

Bubble-Head Charm: creates a bubble of air around the caster’s head and mouth, acting as a breathing apparatus

  –When you’re on holiday and don’t want to spend money for snorkelling.

Caterwauling Charm: causes a loud, high-pitched shrieking noise when encountered

  –Intruder alarm. Bye bye Chubb.

Cheering Charm: causes the person upon whom the spell has been cast to become happy and content

  –The labour MPs who can’t make up their mind whether to leave or stay.

Colloportus: used to magically lock a door and prevent it from being opened by non-magical means

  –All your doors and windows when you’re going on a holiday especially if you live in North London.

Confringo: Blasting Charm; causes items the charm comes in contact with to burst into flames

  –If you’re burning an effigy.
 –To light a log fire or the barbecue.

Confundo: Confundus Charm; causes the victim to become confused and disoriented

  –Again, most of the Tories (Hang on! They already are!).

Crucio: causes the victim extreme pain; one of three Unforgivable Curses banned by the Ministry of Magic

 – Again, it’s not needed.

Descendo: causes the target object to move downward

 – The flour tin on the top rack in your kitchen.
 – If you play cricket, nobody will hit a six.

Diffindo: Severing Charm; causes the targeted object to rip or tear

 – The tangled mess of wires and cables for appliances you no longer use.

Disillusionment Charm: hides objects and humans

 – On the refugee boats.

Engorgio: Engorgement Charm; causes objects to increase in size

 – McDonald’s cheeseburger.
 –Women may use it on other objects 😉.

Episkey: used to heal minor injuries

 – A frequent spell at every school and nursery and household with children.

Evanesco: used to vanish object

 – To hide the stash of porn when your mum comes in.
 – Hide the pack of cannabis at security checks.

Expecto Patronum: used to cast a Patronus (a physical manifestation of one’s most positive feelings)

 – Remainers, when surrounded by demented Brexiters.

Expecto Patronum
Source: Imgur/Most Vital Images

Expelliarmus: used to disarm another wizard

 – If you live in north London, a daily spell against the hammer and machete wielding gangs.
 – Disarm toddlers wielding sharp objects – knitting pin, fork.

Homenum Revelio: allows the caster to detect human presence

 – When you’re walking down the street and you feel that you’re being followed. 

Impedimenta: Impediment Jinx; prevents the victim from approaching the caster

 – On Britain first and Tommeh supporter thugs mainly. 

Imperio: removes the victim’s free will and ability to make decisions for him- or herself

 – Hmm, the 17.4 million I guess, but you’ll need a time turner as well. Or on Boris to hold a second referendum.
 – On children having a tantrum on the shop floor.

Impervius: causes objects to repel outside forces, such as water

 – Dominos pizza in a rainy day.
 – Tommy Robinson may use it often to avoid milkshake missiles.

Incendio: creates fire

 – Light up barbecue and fireplace.

Levicorpus: a nonverbal spell that causes the victim to be dangled upside down by his or her ankles

 – Definitely JRM and Farage to start with.

Locomotor: causes an object to rise and move at the command of the caster

 – On dry laundry to let them fly into the laundry bag. Also on utensils and cutlery from dishwasher to cabinets.

Lumos: projects a beam of light from the user’s wand

 – During power-cut and when you need to go in the loft.

Morsmordre: conjures the Dark Mark

 – Brexiters if there is a no-deal Brexit.

Muffliato: used to prevent conversations from being overheard by filling the ears of those nearby with an unidentifiable buzzing noise

 – In front of your kids when you need to talk about presents or birthday parties.

Obliviate: used to hide memories

 – When you cheated and worried that truth might spill out.
 – Also, on your kids when they spotted something expensive and you know they’ll ask for it on Christmas.

Permanent Sticking Charm: causes objects to permanently stay in place

 – The wobbly table with one shorter leg.
 – A scotch tape on Boris Johnson’s mouth. And the rest of his cabinet.

Petrificus Totalus: Full Body-Bind Curse; temporarily binds the victim’s entire body, thus immobilizing him or her

 – Used by police instead of taser.

Portus: turns objects into Portkeys

 – The possibilities are endless. Go on holidays without paying, watch your favourite game from the stadium.

Priori Incantato: creates an “echo” of previously performed spells

 – Police when they want to find out if you’ve been up to no good.
 – On wands of naughty kids in school.

Protego: Shield Charm; rebounds minor to moderate hexes, jinxes, and spells upon their caster

 – Britain first and Tommeh supporter thug gangs, when they have tantrums and throw things.
 – Tommeh and Farage can use them to avoid the milkshakes.

Reducto: Reductor Curse; breaks objects and in its strongest form has the ability to disintegrate them

 – Crack open walnuts, coconut.

Relashio: causes the victim to release whatever they are holding

 – When you want the toy your sibling is playing with.

Reparo: used to repair broken objects

 – Must use for household with children.

Rictusempra: Tickling Charm; causes an extreme tickling sensation that disables the victim

 – On Brexit party MEPs. They will become a laughing stock. Wait, what?

Riddikulus: spell used when fighting a Boggart; causes the Boggart to transform into something the caster finds humorous

 – On most of the Tory and Brexit party members.

Scourgify: used to clean objects

 – Clean the household. Bye bye Fairy and Cif.

Sectumsempra: spell that causes deep gashes on the victim’s body

 – On the joint of beef or lamb, or on veg.
 – At operation theatres.

Silencio: used to make something silent

 – Women when in a group 😉.
 – All other noise creatures – dogs, parrots, children, men in pub.

Sonorus: magically magnifies one’s voice

 – When you’re calling your kids and they pay no attention.

Stupefy: used to stun a victim

 – Alternative of taser for police.

Taboo: a jinx that can be placed upon a word so that when the word is spoken, a magical disturbance is created which alerts the caster of the Taboo

 – 17.4 million.
 – Downstairs.

Tergeo: used to remove matter (blood, dirt, etc.) from an object

 – All your meat and veggies before cooking.

Unbreakable Vow: causes the vow being taken by the witch or wizard to be inviolable with the consequence of death if it is breached

 – When you want to diet but it normally doesn’t last more than a week.

Wingardium Leviosa: Hover Charm; causes an object to levitate

 – Taking children to bed who would insist on being carried.
 – Lifting furniture when you’re hoovering the house.


The following link has been used for obtaining the list of Harry Potter spells

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